Sailing

Bye for now

2007-02-13T06:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I decided to move to the wordpress and combine the bits and pieces of posts into one blog instead of three.

I am still working on categorizing it. But I resumed my sailings (here below)

http://nesrinasailing.wordpress.com/

Bye for now :)

The last and never found piece

2007-02-06T01:17:00.000-08:00

The last and never found piece

Puzzle is one of my favorite games, I see some similarity putting the pieces together to form one picture and getting to know someone.

In the sense that some people are easy to comprehend and have a full picture of who they are and others who have like thousand pieces that you might not have neither the time nor the effort to see what they will turn out to be in the end.

The most difficult kinds of that human puzzles are those ones in disguise, yes, they look and act something that they are not. So whenever you grab a piece and put it where it should belong, you surprisingly see that it fits but the picture doesn’t match.., it gets more and more distorted and you get confused with it.

It’s very common to know someone only from the phone or emails, at work for instance when dealing with some other branches in may be other countries.

Or knowing people from their writings; reading their thoughts and ideas in their blogs, still it’s just one side, the other sides will always remain unknown.
Even more the revealed side might be hidden in reality and that’s why the only place for it to get liberated is expressing it in writing.

The common mistakes usually are, forgetting the main objective of collecting the pieces… that is to see the picture, just to know what it’s like not to assess or judge it. We all overlook that fact to the extent that we often try to interfere with the picture and try to change it.
Another thing, there will always be missing pieces, no one knows the whole truth but Allah.

In the end, life is a place where we are supposed to work to earn, plant to eat, and think to understand.

Coincidence

2007-02-05T04:44:00.000-08:00

“Message in a bottle”, the original name of my blog, my first post and that intriguing idea of an old sad but full of hope practice I am totally fascinated with.
Today I coincidently found this bog and read that post “Blog Remembered”
Didn’t know the someone else has thrown his thoughts and hoped to be discovered and read.

The interesting thing in that particular blog that the comments are not activated, so I wondered… how would he know if someone has seen his message ? … may be the counter, may be he doesn’t want them to be discovered, or he doesn’t believe they will be discovered…

Walked out this morning
Dont believe what I saw
A hundred billion bottles
Washed up on the shoreSeems
Im not alone in being alone
A hundred billion castaways
Looking for a home

Now these words are making sense, seems there are a lot of messages waiting to be discovered.

Note: I don't know the writer or the owner of that blog, but I am aplologizing if I am

Valentine's day: 10 days away :)

2007-02-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

One of the undeniable features of February, it’s nice I can’t argue… to see the store displays elegantly covered with red, it radiates warmth over the grey cold winter.
Tulips , roses… . , surprises, bears and gift boxes.

Despite the fact that this particular day has no significant to me, but it’s an opportunity to see something special.

Last year, I got the weirdest present … I received a phone call from “A” urging to leave me something at the company’s security office, I said sure you can. Couldn’t stop thinking and imagining.
Till he showed up and gave me “Dark City” movie on DVD, unwrapped and in a broken case… ?!!! (It didn’t upset me, in fact I found it funny… but sure we no longer talk :D)

Note to the guys: please wrap the gifts nicely… it’s as much important as the gift itself, get something simple, elegant and symbolic. (don’t spend a lot, think a lot).

Wonderful wishes to you all :D

Success Stories

2007-01-31T01:19:00.001-08:00

Seems we Egyptians do lack the know how of making a difference but we are pioneers in complaining.

The dark picture needs to be lightened with some success stories I know they exist, but for some weird reasons are kept unleashed.
We need encouragement, I love my country and the people of my country, just want to show the positivity hidden and boost it.

Here is my tag if anyone is interested, please publish your own experience in conducting or participating in a project here in Egypt or outside it to make us believe that things can get better and prove that the individual efforts can make a difference and become a campaign.

Note: no heroic stories are required, even paying a visit to an orphanage helps.
Need some insights.

Here in Arabic شوية إيجابية

I can't hear me

2007-01-28T00:24:00.000-08:00

Silence seems to be a luxury that I can’t afford to have even some of.
I need ear plugs, I have a lot to say but the voices are so loud. Even the ones who care for me don't want to leave me alone just for an hour or two. I need some space.
I normally am a good listener but as long as no one bothers to listen, give me a chance to listen to myself.
I can't count the times that I heard the question "Are you OK" "What is wrong with you" followed by my answer "I am fine" and then get that look as if I am hidding something, well I am not, or may be I am... how can I tell.

Tag: Five things you don't know about me:

2007-01-20T14:36:00.000-08:00

Thanks dear Blue for the Tag, it was real fun thinking about it :)

Here we go:

1- I am a day dreamer and imaginative, I used to tell my mom bed time stories when I was young.
2- I wash my hands really a lot.
3- I like cooking and like to sing in the kitchen.
4- In important events or occasions, I am always late, never have enough time to prepare myself as I want and often forget important things.
5- I never stroll down the beach bare feet like what all people do, I wear sneakers to make sure my feet are protected.

That's what I have never mentioned, the silly stuff I hide :D

I am tagging my sister Nerro and friends in my side bar if they would like to.

Inner Talks/ babble

2007-01-18T03:08:00.000-08:00

I am not in a good mood these days and my head is stuffed with so many thoughts most of them are actually nonsense…

I thought of writing them to clear my head and my heart in order to get rid of that negativity, I am not even sure if I will publish that babble or just keep it as a draft.
How do I start? ,,, it doesn’t matter, does it?

I blame myself for all the things that I couldn’t be, in my high points I feel it’s not my fault and convert them into a push and a challenge, but at my weak moments … I just wonder and wish… wish I was braver, smarter, prettier, had a better job and position, doing more for my family, more active, less shy, less sensitive, less proud, more sociable, more powerful to make a difference, …

Sometimes I feel sad for all the things that I thought I could be when I was young and I couldn’t, feel disappointed.
Of course I do thank god for the life I am living and for all his blesses. And I know it sounds a very egoistic but deep inside I feel distinguishes and special, but when I think about it…no what makes me any of that.

I am also have this intensity in everything I do, may be that’s the problem?
I am average everything, not super in any but when I do anything I seek its perfection, when I love, when I work, when I even go shopping… so I go to extremes and it seems weird and understandable.

Talking about weakness makes me more emotional but relieving.
I need to cry, not because there is something wrong, but I know it will take that burden off me, and will make me feel so much better… but I can’t.
Even crying is too much for me to do.

Veiled = Rejected !

2007-01-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

The post has been moved to "Serious Thoughts" .

2007-01-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

So today in the morning I started with Hechkok's post that he had originally written not typed , then few minutes ago found Engy's post about hand writing and psychoanalyst.
I myself prefer writing than typing (wrote about it before here).
So here is my handwriting, it's not good now, used to be better years ago.

Hey friends why don't we consider it a tag and pass it on to each other?

2007 Insignificant thoughts

2007-01-08T22:37:00.000-08:00

“Don’t Worry”, you can’t …?
At least don’t pile things up and worry about them, deal with your worries…just one at a time, defer them a little bit …some of them will dissolve without you noticing.
A gift is what you give (full stop).
It’s not what you give to get another thing in return.
Here is a little game …
She : “You will be missed” (she used the passive voice to avoid saying “I”)
He : “Will miss you too” (He didn’t say it either, how clever).
I want to be loved by ALL the people.
So what have I done to deserve this love…. a question that has got to be raised.
Have been asked before how come you wear red a lot, your car is red… what is it with you and the red color.
Well, about the car it’s a total coincidence, it’s my third car and it’s red as well.
About me wearing red.. there is an old Egyptian say that “if you want to laugh at a dark complexioned person, let him/her wear red”. So I was trying to avoid it, till one day I decided to revolt against the say and surprise … surprise, it suits me and looks good on me. Moral of the story: don’t always listen and avoid…. TRY!.
Some words were never actually said because there is no one to be told about.
What do I hate the most ?
People wearing masks, I have this curse that from the first minute I see these masks and be forced to remain silent while seeing people falling for it.

Directions

2007-01-07T12:18:00.001-08:00

There are key milestones in everyone's life, … specific incidents, events, accidents and sometimes miracles.
But haven't you ever stopped and wondered about their perfection, that set of well designed steps occurring one after the other in a particular timing and order with people selectively involved or may be not, things that wouldn't normally happen and would never happen again …all are leading to just one thing.

It is god's plan that no one can interfere in, allow or prevent any of it … and yet the choices are always available and so are directions.
The directions are the boundaries that we are living within, … the boundaries that get broader and wider as we get older, see more, read more, with experience, education, …

And there are also SIGNS, that aren't tangible, very relative and controversial too.
To be frank, I think there are signs.
Explaining them using logic … if you agree with me that certain incidents do occur based on a series of actions or steps. Then seeing one of them and anticipating the another would get you close. It's again subject to one's experience may be or forecasting.

Within the spiritual range there comes intuition; having a bad feeling about something or someone and without even figuring out why and then you discover you were right.
Another aspect, seeing things in one's dreams before they actually happen. (called in Islam Ro2ya "vision")

However, getting drifted after the signs may sometimes create illusions, just like thirst can make you go after a mirage, the anxiety and the need to find a direction creates fake signs.
The worst part is when they are used as excuses, "I can't go to work, I have that strange feeling …. " signs and fate do work in parallel, so there are nothing to run away from.

Signs are signs, you are going fishing, you prepare yourself, go have a look at the weather's forecast and sea condition (these are the two indicators "signs"), if they are okay, go ahead… it's not a guarantee that things will go well but you are jeopardizing your safety ignoring them.

Warm

2007-01-05T13:08:00.000-08:00

"One kind word can warm three winter months" A Japanese proverb.

I usually feel warm whenever my family or friends are around. A kind of warmth that makes me feel secure and satisfied.

Insensitivity hurts, cold looks or responses can freeze the world around you.
Leaving you trembling and shaking, looking for somewhere to hide and feel safe again.

Loneliness also makes you feel cold; even in mid July, even with people all around you.

There is no such thing as to care about some people and ignore the other. A caring tender heart can't be choosy, it's filled with warmth and feelings and it doesn't release them upon a request, it just radiates them wherever it goes.

Think about it what we will lose if we let go of the warmth we have inside us.
It's so simple, just be sincere and try to connect with everyone around, feel them, they might be cold as well and a simple word, a gentle look, a pat on the back, or even a smile can turn their winter into a wonderful colorful spring.

Is that so hard? Just think before you talk, do something special for someone without asking if he deserves it or not, listen and remember this world is not just about you, give chances and be forgiving, think of what you need and didn't get and try to make it up by giving someone else what you know he wanted. It's a cure for the soul and a relief for the heart. Be thankful and have faith and ask whoever you trust what do they see and you don't, view things from other angles and put yourself in others' shoes, say sorry, repent, try to be the good you the one you think you no longer are. … I wish I could do that too.

Dancing Queen

2007-01-04T05:45:00.000-08:00

"You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen
Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourineYou can dance,
you can jive, having the time of your lifeSee that girl, watch that scene, ... "

Deep inside I am just that girl, can't really tell how different am I now than when I was seventeen, it has been eleven years … but I can't feel them.
If age is what you feel, I am definitely not 28 or let me say 29, …

I am not afraid of being old, I do respect and appreciate older or senior people, they are wiser, more mature, more experienced, … years carry with them pearls and jewels and whenever a year passes, it leaves you with one of them till you have a whole tiara like the one that grand parents have.

And it's not only I don't feel my age, I guess don't look my age too. I didn't realize that till I got that new job and during the phase of getting acquainted with my new colleagues.
It didn't bother me a all hearing the same comment that " no way you look younger" till it started to be challenging with superiors, with them explaining and elaborating things for me as if it's my first time to be asked about specific tasks and then their surprise having the tasks done. It's manageable after all, and it doesn’t harm to have a fresh look on one's image every once in a while.

I was never a foolish child; never got myself or anyone into trouble, have been the one who listens and tries to understand since I was young. So may be that's why I don't feel any difference.

Another thing, if you measure something there must be a scale… so assuming that the range is the lifetime and since no one knows at what age will it end … so, you can't say from a scale 1 to 70 or 80 I am middle aged or not because may be I won't reach 70 or even the next day.

I saw a program the other day on TV asking celebrities where would they like to be in 10 years, and the answer that really touches me was "to be alive". Yes we take our lives for granted instead of seeing it as a gift.

My advice is, embrace your lives, appreciate each day, make a difference and always remember it's a journey that will end one day so it's better you leave something of value behind and get reward for it.

I know that wouldn't ryme but I don't care :D

"I am a dancing queen, young and sweet only 28 :)"

I am Tagged !

2006-12-31T12:13:00.000-08:00

My dear friend Blue has tagged me, I am very thankful for her for so many reasons:

First her sweet words and I do hope to meet her soon as well, her tag and most of all her maturity and support when I needed it.

So here are my answers:

Something to achieve next year:
It's not an achievement, I can say it's a wish …
Will keep it a secret though, Blue: yes you know it :)

Something impacted me last year:
Major thing was leaving my previous job and joining the bank, I am not very happy there but I have a feeling that it will turn out to be a good thing.

One thing I enjoyed in the group:
The talks and chats on the chat room, the new few dear friends.

What I'll miss about 2006:
Being 28 :)

I would like to tag my friends in the sidebar, if they would like to.

Insignificant thoughts (7)

2006-12-11T00:39:00.000-08:00

Felt like having a lot to say but couldn't concentrate and put together all the bits and peices into one post , so here it comes again ...

1- What would really make you feel satisfied… having everything or giving everything… I believe GIVING, having everything isn’t possible anyway.

2- Love can be purchased when the price you pay is love and sacrifice.

3- We are well equipped sophisticated master piece creatures, if only we know how to deal with that… ironically the instruction and manuals were provided but we revolted against them and decided to go on our own.

4- May be what seemed wrong with one person, would be the right thing to do with another.

5- They say “Time heals everything” … but how would you bear the time you spend waiting to be healed.

6- Arrogant and snobbish people do hurt other’s feeling even by just showing up.

7- Some people don’t know how to enjoy the moment; they knew how wonderful it was when it becomes past. They have great memories but they never lived a good day… imagine !

8- At work the most brutal task you can be given is when your boss harms someone, delegates you to represent his ugly face and see its reflection on that person.

9- So he is capable of saying what should and shouldn’t be done, he is not doing it though… seems his mouth works independently from his ears and mind, I expected to hear at the end of the sentence “………………………………, this is a recorded message”.

10- Forgiving is possible, forgetting isn’t.

11- Don’t look for a pattern, people are different.

12- I am kind of lost, keep asking myself “ Is that the right way “ I am sure it isn’t but I know I came across it truly by mistake but for a good reason.
“Right things sometimes happen in the wrong places”.

Insignificant thoughts (6)

2006-11-28T22:57:00.000-08:00

1- “Home” is not a house, … not a country, … not a person, it’s security and serenity.

2- Men tend to avoid women when they are angry, although this anger flies away once she feels there is someone to support or just be there.

3- People searching for love are searching for a missing part of them knowing there is someone out there who has it. Wish that someday the two of them will be a complete whole ONE.

4- People who define themselves with what they own or what they do, are truly what they own or what they do except that they no longer are “PEOPLE”.

5- Waiting, … needs strength, some people mess up during that phase , do the wrong things to make themselves busy, others are patient enough to hold on and some people lose resistance and die.

6- I prayed to god and I am sure I will be answered. I have never wanted something that badly and I wasn’t answered.

7- I want to get closer, watch and listen to everything … I am not curious, I just want to understand.

8- How difficult to keep holding the truth from someone as it will hurt and bear the guiltiness of contributing in an illusion that dear person is living.

9- We do have the tolerance for pain and sometimes enjoyment as well, it makes us human… life is a harmonized set of contradictions and so are we… so the soft sad warm violin note, fuzzy chilly winds as the sunsets, dark quiet nights, a sweet tender look from the least perosn expected, …. There are no patterns in life.

10- Being silent for a long while, makes you have a lot to say… but makes you forget how to say it.

Previously on... Insignificant thoughts

The shattered pieces

2006-11-24T12:13:00.000-08:00

"Nothing remains the same" it doesn't make it any easier accepting the fact of having something and the next day it's gone.

Whether it's a person or something that meant so much to you one day, a street you used to walk in your way home, certain feelings, gatherings, or years loaded with pieces of the young you that you no longer are.

Why bother going to the same places now, faking the same situations and talks … everything has changed, …. you have changed.

Why looking for the people you miss in others' eyes, they are different ... even if you think you saw the one you miss… he is just inside your heart and eyes and it's only a reflection…longing feeling are so sweetly possessing, you know you are captured and yet you can't set yourself free because the heavenly prison is painted with memories.

Can't we endure the idea of being apart both physically and emotionally? There must be a reason that by time we leave dear ones and meaningful things behind or they leave us.

May be we don't have to insist of having another encounter with the past and just move on.

There is no coincidence, it's a perfect arrangement of place, people, timing ….
So when one of these factors change the result won't be the one you supposed you have lived before.

The difference between missing and losing is hope.

So what was left behind and the shattered pieced you have been looking for may be better missed that lost.

I believe in fate and I know things happen for a reason, and the hollow parts resulting from the shattered peices are better be filled with the appreciation for the ones and things we still have.

What a relief … It’s Thursday!

2006-11-23T00:18:00.000-08:00

It’s the last working day of the week and oh god I am sooooooooooo drained, effortless, wordless, motionless, thoughtless… ( I know it doesn’t make sense but I am everything that is ….less).

Crazy thought (took that from my very dear friend Engy)
I want to get married, quit working and become a house wife, so a single decent, religious, funny, responsible, height 175 and up, green, hazel, blue or grey eyes guy who is searching for a perfect bride (I can’t be perfect , I am Gemini and it’s a problem of its own) :D … but I am here.

Note: Quoting Engy is really fun. I can’t stop laughing while looking at her original post and customize it to my requirements. Just like spending time and hanging out with her and Soha… I am missing you girls.

For the record: Top comedians: Soha and Engy together, Nemeen (my sister) watching comedy shows on TV, my Dad when he starts laughing and my mom when things go wrong …. My list doesn’t end like that there are more but enough for now, I have to get back to work :D

Sailing

2006-11-18T05:54:00.000-08:00

My blog's name has been changed to sailing and it's funny I have a guilt feeling as if I have abandoned the blue ocean that once was inhabited by my messages.

Strange it just takes one attempt to get your voice to be heard and then it just becomes a habit not to ever stop talking.

life is all about change, and sometimes holding on to the past is like sitting on a shore , grabbing some sand mixed with water in your hand and then feel it slipping out of your hand, you look at your fist, believing that you still have captured some of it , ..you open your hand and find it just empty.

I used to start my post (messages) with "Dear … " , and end them with "your sincerely" just the conventional way I love till the end of last year then I felt I ran out of these messages and didn't feel the urge to write "yours" again … kind of lost its meaning to me.

So Sailing for me is going through life with all its aspects, sun rise, rainbows, rough water, … it doesn't matter how the journey is, what matters is the good sailor that you have been.

Is that Fair ???

2006-11-16T00:21:00.000-08:00

Again… it’s not that I am a Muslim or an Arab, It’s about humanity.

(World Horrified by Beit Hanun Massacre )

(Israel hits fighter's house in Gaza)

I can't even comment on that, I do also know that no one wants to hear and endure the fact that ... . We are doomed to live furious, heart ached and MUTE or else we are SHUSHED.

Aren't we ??? But on what cost ...

Palestinian healthcare under siege

Quote:
"I have no mercy or compassion in me for a society that will crush people, and then penalize them for not being able to stand up under the weight. " Malcom X

"A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."

2006-11-11T13:57:00.000-08:00

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Grandma I love you

2006-11-05T05:39:00.000-08:00

I am sorry … you are that sick
I am sorry … I never told you how much I love you
I am sorry … I never thanked you enough for your attention and care
I am sorry … I got busy with work and I spent days without even calling you
I am sorry … you were very near to me when I was young and when I got older I got farther
I am sorry … we all know you are in danger and you don’t
I am sorry … I knew how scared you are and I never said a word, now I am really scared

Please God make her get better and give me a second chance.

Take My Hand

2006-11-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

Humming " Somewhere Over the rainbow … ", wondering and murmuring "I have been there may be it didn't last but I felt it, very few times and for a very brief period".

It's not easy getting there, the materialistic stressful daily life, problems and heartaches that we will be facing as long as we shall live on earth shades its beauty but eventually the light just shines through.

It is visible, just open your eyes, see the beauty … the beauty that resides in the heart, colors the eyes and is reflected on what you see. Ugliness doesn't embody anyone or anything, it possesses the eyes of the hard hearted ones and deprive them of seeing beauty.

This somewhere also has another name, it's called "Happiness", this priceless gift.
An overpowering feeling that takes you away from everything and makes you literally fly, fill your heart and makes you want to take some of it and sprinkle in the sky to share it with the whole universe.

You can never be alone in that particular place, "loneliness" is not included in its dictionary. I have prayed before for some people when I knew they were going through a tough time to ease up their problems and I wished their sadness would go away. I so wanted them with me .. up there, over the rainbow. And though I wasn't there yet but I wanted to reach and wanted to take all of them with me.
Seeing someone dear in pain is just harder than enduring the pain yourself.

So make the effort and seize any opportunity, hide from all the problems and figure out how can you reach there, take the hands of your loved ones, makes their day and head to a brief journey that may take seconds to "Somewhere Over The Rainbow".

"I'm worth a lot"

2006-11-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

I read the follwing peice in an email and I did like it very much, thought of sharing it with you.

"In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question....question....

"What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking.

"Do you really want to know?"

Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound...

As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position toask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself.
I pay my own bills.I take care of my household without the help of any man.

I am in the position toask, "What can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money.
I need something more." I need a man who is striving for perfection in everyaspect of life.

" He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her toexplain.

She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentallybecause I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-mindedman.

" I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spirituallybecause I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelieversis a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for perfectionfinancially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someonewho is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strongenough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect.

In orderto be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn'ttaking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive..taking care ofbe worthy.

God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if hecan't help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat therewith a puzzled look on his face.

He said, "You're asking a lot.

" She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

Happy Feast

2006-10-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

The wonderful month has flew, I began experiencing the new job ,,, will not judge it now still I need more time so I see the whole picture but one apparent aspect should be taken into consideration, it's not going to be easy and the working hours as I heard are "Illusion" .. "sigh".

Anyways, I am so excited about the feast. I wanted to travel to Alex so much but it wasn't possible. My childhood memories about the feasts were mostly in Alex or my grand ma's villa.

Another thing I love about the Eid, that sometimes it's just a cause to call or even sms someone you haven't talked to in a while.
By the way this Eid's most surprising and nice sms I got was from Omar (my ex boss).

I couldn't make much plans as the vacation is two days only.
We will start with Eid prayer. This wonderful, pleasant, rewarding and phenomenal experience. Where all people are gathered with no difference what so ever. Reciting the same words of thanks and gratitude to Allah at the same time.
No walls and no ceiling, only the sky and the sunrise crawling very slowly and spectacularly to add to the spiritual atmosphere, happy and smiling faces of people. Then family short visits and gatherings and after that friends time… :).

Happy feast to you all.

Secret Admirer

2006-10-12T07:23:00.000-07:00

When I was a teen I so wanted to find out one day that I have a secret admirer. Yes a typical secret admirer like the ones in movies; writes me letters, sends me flowers, follows me wherever I go without me noticing. I don't know why…
May be because back then I wasn't ready for a real face to face confrontation and there wasn't anyone special that I used to think of.
Heard once a story from a relative, that happened so many years ago before I was even born. She was young and used to find every morning in her balcony Chiclets packs and candy. She didn't know where do they come from. She tried to know till she noticed that there is a guy lives in the opposite building follows her everyday to school, gets on the same public transportation she uses , then leaves and comes back again to follows her all the way to her home at the end of the day without making any moves or any attempt to speak, as if he was just guarding her. He never said a word, he just kept throwing candy in her balcony and guarding her silently and very politely.
I do remember also that when I was in college, a friend of mine used to have a crush on a guy thought one day to bring him a rose and put it in his empty mug in the cupboard. But she changed her mind after that, fearing she might be caught in the kitchenette doing that.
To tell you the truth now I am not sure if I would like to have a secret admirer like I used to think. I believe I will freak out…
That's how we change over the years, now the picture of someone doing that is he is childish, immature, pathetic or may be a psycho.
For me admiration is wider and broader than the context it's always exist in. it's not only for the ones we have feelings for. I do admire nature and I do admire a lot of people …I admire their points of view, manners, culture, attitudes and principles.
Admiration does restrain a great deal of respect.
As for being a secret admirer myself, I have difficulty showing my feelings to special ones. On the contrary when I am friendly, spontaneous and nice to someone that means he is no more than a brother but if he is more than that I am a real disaster.
Unintentionally I tend to hide and avoid him … it scares me, that was mostly what I used to do with (M). Of course he didn't understand but he truly was and will ALWAYS be the one that I admired and respected the most.
When I first started this blog, I used to write posts as if they were real messages in the bottle and threw them in the sea … starting Dear … and I wasn't really sure whom I am addressing them to. But I was trying to have a conversation with someone secretly hiding somewhere ( may be M) and hoped he would find my messages and comes for rescue. but he never come and I quit sending the messages.

Bitter Sweet Memories

2006-10-09T18:16:00.000-07:00

A warm breeze, a lovely old scent, a soft enchanting song,
Visions in sepia colors yet so charming and colorful, voices and echoes that tremble the heart, suddenly a surf from the deep comes and splashes the shore.

If we are not meant to see our future in advance, shouldn't we cherish what we have seen. Ironically, it's difficult to handle.

Bad memories are hard but good ones are harder, the sweet memories that become bitter because they have passed, because of the years.

Time leaves its traces and shades just like the ones on the pages of an old book.
The people that we wonder will we ever see again. The photos of the places that still exist yet they are never the same.

These memories are carved deep in the soul, covered with the daily activities, future plans, problems and so many things we indulge ourselves in.
And the moment we decide to sit back and relax a little, they come, black you out, stops the time and attack like a tornado scatters the present like the dust that covers an old book. The carved memories became exposed and aches in an enjoyable way.

Only one thing gives them the lovable taste again the fact that they were once sweet and HOPE.

Valuable Contributions; Due Thanks

2006-10-08T18:15:00.000-07:00

About six months ago Norm has left me a valuable comment that I kept thinking of , saved it and considered it one of the most wonderful truthful quotes I have ever known.
Many thanks Norm.

"When one good friend leaves your life another seems to enter and fill the same space...I think we are all one spirit and that the parts of that spirit that you need at any time will find you. "

Youssef also has left me a comment on my post "Quotes" that had wonderful other quotes that I so wanted to thank him for. they are as follows:

"They say that kids tell the truth, but am I a child too when I tell you that I love you enormously ?"

"أشفق و حقد و رغب و عزف و غاب و رجع دون جدوى"

"When I hear somebody sigh 'Life is hard', I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?"

"He can do more for others who has done most with himself".

"I'm a killer, i kill people for money, but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE !!"

"To look life in the face...always...to look life in the face...and to know it...for what it is...and at last to know it...to love it...for what it is...and then...to put it away".

Lasto-adri *Blue*:

"Accept everything about yourself -- I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end -- no apologies, no regrets."

"Whatever you fear the most you attract into your life and whatever you expect the most, you also attract into your life as well"

Hechkok:

"when you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you"

" Love is like a plant that needs care and tenderness but it dies immidiatly if you forget it"

Jannah:

من وجد الله ماذا فقد؟ ومن فقد الله ماذا وجد؟

Wonderer:

"Common sense is very uncommon""Friendship is like a bank account, you can't continue to draw from it without making deposits"

Thanks dear friends I do appreicate what you share with me.

Bloggers' Iftar

2006-10-07T05:38:00.000-07:00

Below is the original post about the nice outing.
I am glad I had the opportunity to be there.

http://www.egyblogs.com/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=44&Itemid=2

Quotes

2006-10-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

These are quotes Ilike from movies but I couldn't help not commenting on some of them.

"More real to me than anything I've ever known".

"Sometimes feel as if I'm invisible, as if no one can see me at all".
Sometimes it is just what I want….

"How's your sunset?
It's perfect.
I only wish you were here to share it with me".
Hope you were watching the same sunset even if you are far.

"One man I can never meet. Him, I would like to give my whole heart to".
Can't say "never".

"I've been trying to forget you and forgive you".
Forgive you for being so good to be true.

"Let me let you go".

"Over the mysteries of female life there is drawn a veil, best left undisturbed".

"Someday you'll find a man, a good man, and you'll love him, and marry him, and live and die for him".
Where are you …

"I shall be homesick for you even in Heaven".
Hope you will be there "M".

"Your heart understood mine. In the depth of the fragrant night, I listened with ravished soul to your beloved voice. Your heart understood mine".

"At night my mind would come alive with voices and stories as real to me as any in the real world. I gave myself up to it, longing for transformation".

"True or False: All's fair in love and war".

"My heart is, and always will be, yours".
It's FATE

"Neither of us have anything to tell. I because I conceal nothing and you because you communicate nothing".
I concealed and you didn't communicate…

"There is a painful difference between the expectation of an unpleasant event and its final certainty".
There lies a brief space of denial in the middle.

"What's it like not to feel anything?"
Don't feel anything at all.

"You know what it is? … It's my heart, and its broken".

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most".

"And you'll just forget about me, right? … every day".

And when i think of you i fall in love again
A love so beautiful in every way
A love so beautiful we let it slip away (a song).

Another Tag By Engy

2006-10-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

So my very dear friend Engy has came up with a very intriguing question:
To name the things that we hate/dislike…, I really want to take this one,
Thanks so much ya Juka.
1- The word "Hate", pessimism and negative thoughts
2- Noise (loud voices, music, horns … anything loud)
3- To be ignored (yes I do love the attention and I am always too shy to ask for it).
4- Waking up early (like you Juka :) )
5- Disappointment and what I dislike more is when I give excuses to those who have disappointed me, the time I spend waiting to hear an explanation (not an apology) and I never get it.
6- To be taken for granted.
7- Intrusive, nosy people.
8- Smoking.
9- To start the conversation on the msn or gtalk. It's not that I don't want to talk but I don't like to initiate the talk.
10- When people do come very close when talking to me, I like to have my space… (it's not appropriate no matter if it's a man or a woman who does that still annoying).
11- Making a big fuss out of nothing, life is simple.
12- Swearing.
13- Showing off
14- To be misjudged or underestimated.
15- Backstabbing (talking badly about a person behind his back).

I am tagging again my sidebar residents :)... if they would like to take it… please try it's fun to do it and interesting to see what you don't like :)

Tag

2006-10-02T13:29:00.000-07:00

I wrote a post before ( Detailed one ...Here) about my favorite things so I am sorry to bore you again. but here are top of mind fifteen things as a response to Ha Ana Za 's nice tag. Many thanks Ha Ana Za for tagging me:
Note : they are randomly ordered…
1- Reading Qoran; not just to learn but to feel serenity
2- Family and friends
3- Swimming, walking at night
4- Enjoying the sunset view on the beach
5- Photography
6- Open air, quiet places
7- Boats
8- Yeah coffee too
9- Shopping
10- Spending money (not on trivial things but to make anyone or myself happy, I am not a fan of saving, I am not rich never will be … simple, peaceful life is more enjoyable ).
11- The rain
12- Blogging
13- Cooking
14- Greenery
15- Everything to be clean.

I would like to tag my dear friends in my sidebar if they would like to.

If you are mature, don't judge "Update"

2006-09-24T17:56:00.000-07:00

Many thanks my friends for your valuable opinion and insights, I do think too that Maturity has a lot to do with responsibility…
A highlight from Wikipedia confirmed what we had in mind about responsibility.. .it's related to actions and their consequences.
So in this sense being mature is not only how we are prepared to anticipate, face and then bare the consequences of what we do. but also it's being responsible about the ACTION first that will have all these followings.
For me … being understanding is mature, controlling one's anger is mature, picking the right words at a debate is matue, giving execuses to others is mature, forgiveness is mature, loving someone unconditionally is mature, saying the truth with no fear is mature, standing up for your beliefs is mature, accepting the differences and deal with them is mature (being open and flexible), listening to the oponents point of view and respect it is mature, ….
As for my answer for the question, Am I mature? No … not always, trying to be though. Thinking of the how it feels when an imature act or word is faced from someone and how dissapointing it can be. So that's what I am afraid of that I can hurt or let someone down beacause of my ignorance of the situation, selfishness or my unwillngness to have some dicipline upon myself.
As for the judging piece, what provoked me to write this post was a judgemental opinion related to maturity, It struck me How anyone can judge another so easily.
Maturity is neither a quality nor is it about age… it's a measurement, a degree of how do we handle situations.
Finally, we can't expect us or anyone else to be always mature or always right … it's against being human.
Don't know if I am right on what I said or not, it's just my thoughts about maturity.

I know it is just not the time to ask such a question but I really want to know how people think of that word "Maturity" who is "Mature" and who isn't.
I won't start and say what my definition to a "Mature" person is. (Will update this post and add my opinion).
But I will very much appreciate to hear what do you think..
Why would you call yourself or any other person "Mature", how can you judge, what is the criteria.
BTW, I do believe that there is a child inside every one of us who needs care, tenderness, love, security and protection and yet that doesn't affect her/his maturity.
Don't you agree ???

Farewell Gathering

2006-09-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

What do I know to anticipate that something will go wrong, try to avoid a person or skip an event. I have learned today that being out there and facing what is meant to be encountered is just much fulfilling and comforting.
Worst case scenario, when things don't go the way we wished to , we only get to live it once, dump the bitter part of the bad memory/incident, keep the part where the lesson was and just move on. On the contrary, trying to maneuver and escape the piece that is expected to be undesirable will only consume our brains and feelings, the negative assumptions and phobic thoughts will just take over for good as we never get a closure to this subject except that we think it's over but you never know. It's a small world and what was avoided can just emerge when it's least expected not to mention the good unexpected twist that could have been missed.

In short I went to my farewell gathering tonight, it was surprisingly beautiful. Everyone was so nice, warm and concerned. Now I can say there is really no hard feelings, every negative thought I used to have, has totally been wiped off.
I am really so relieved to have the chance to have a wonderful closure. And walk away with such an exhilarating experience.

Tag: Favorite blogs

2006-09-19T15:03:00.000-07:00

As a respond to Tarek's tag. I want first to affirm that my favorite blogs/bloggers are all here in the right , check my sidebar,,, these blogs are not only enjoyable for me but I am sort of connected to them and inspired by them in so many ways. It's by no mean a complement… most of these bloggers don't know me in person and some of them may not know they are linked here.
I would like to categorize the blogs I like with some examples… let's get started:

Blogs I like to start my day with: Nermeena, Engy, Wonderer, Blue (Lasto Adry), Why … they are funny, outgoing, surprising, and amusing.

Blogs I MUST find a time to read it whenever a new post is published: The Gnostic blogger … my all time favorite blog.
Why… it's interesting, wonderful writing and amazing topics.

Blogs I admire and respect: Bent Masreya, Zeinobia, Cold Desert and Green Data … there is something in common between Ahmad and Tarek's blogs… technical posts however Ahmad is having a separate blog for that purpose, another common point their sense of humor.
Why… they are beneficial, decent and you feel they make an effort, dig and search to present something of value. Due salutation:
Ahmad: his daily diary of the war as well as his attitude during the crises.
Tarek: his supportive and mature posts responding to Laila's campaign.

Enjoyable and indulging blogs: Rain, Me and Jannah ,,,
Why… very classy, emotional and spiritual. I like Psychicwizdom's ideas too but her blog is more realistic and rational if I may say. But I can amazingly connect with her … sometimes I read her posts and find the exact words I wanted to write about… telepathy may be.

Personal blogs: like Moon
Why… she speaks about herself and her life in a very sincere way and by the time I just appreciated her openness and it became a habit to go check on her by visiting her blog and see how are things going with her.

Occasionally (due to the lack of time): I visit Manal & Alaa I like the idea and I do thank their efforts but I don't feel at ease because of the language often used by some of the commenter with opposing opinions and some obscene (outrageous) posts. I am not criticizing or judging, I understand and respect the differences between people and backgrounds.

Note: again these names are examples to some broad categories.
To all whom I couldn’t mention …you are already part of my blog, day and life and I am very grateful for letting me share your thoughts.

Ramadan Memories

2006-09-19T01:17:00.000-07:00

It's not much of a thing, just felt like writing my very simple memories about ramadan in the Egyptian colloquial language. My sweet sister hosted me in her pink blog ...Ooooops planet (Sorry Nerro, It's a planet I know :D)

It's how I felt them. (here).

Here is Ramadan Gana song for download (thanks to Hossam)

Insignificant Thoughts (5)

2006-09-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

Neither a guarded castle nor a thousand locks can make you feel secure; heart has its own security measures.
Possession in love is not a crime, when you need to be captured, captivated and taken away from everything that ever existed and get acquainted to a whole new place that you can feel for the first time that you belong to… will else can matter?
You don't have a story as long as you are not willing to hear what the other side had to say.
Tulips are classy and romantic, roses are romantic and sincere.
He was picking on a debate; I didn't comment, remained silent as when he was expecting opposition from the readers. I just wanted to say thanks for being considerate, understanding. It's enough for me that you wanted to listen (To a blogger whom I am not sure he will read this).
No relationship is risk free nor can it be guaranteed.
Instead of assuming what can be better for me, just ask.
About spontaneity, even the dumb thing I sometimes say are better that saying things I do not really mean.
Passion, Passion, Passion… enormous, intense invisible force, it's radiating, inspiring and contagious.
I have never been impressed with people often known as "impressive", guess I have a different definition.
Why do I find it normal when someone tells me that drawing is not his/her hobby and they find it hard when I say reading is not among my hobbies.
I don't have the tolerance for long reads, I am kind of analytical… I want to know something I go and search for it in books, internet wherever… it's for the sake of knowledge not reading itself. I used to study on my own, just get the books, research, summarize and prepare my own notes about it. I remember the first time I read the Alchemist I wanted to do the same thing. Literature for me is a luxury or a treat I give my soul when I need. What is wrong with that?
Have you ever wished you have never met a certain person, not because he is a bad one but because he was too good to be true.
How will you know if a person is trustworthy if you never give him a chance? This chance can be a test… and no matter what the result will be, at least you have tried.
Heard it once on one of the shows that I can't stand but I liked it "Winners do things losers don't want to do".
I have no problem saying sorry if I was wrong. The hard part is the admission not the apology.

Insignificant thoughts (1), (2), (3), (4)

Taking is all about giving

2006-09-17T05:07:00.000-07:00

What I am about to say is not new, it is said all the time but I felt it immensely in my last day at work…. last Thursday.
Won't go through this day's details , really can't… it was very emotional for me and I don't want to recall it.
So let's stick to the basic observation:
Look at us … the fact that we are different from each other enables us to exchange and trade what we have/own to get what we can't have on our own.
Emotionally, it's so much different, what you give is what you get, nothing else.
I used to complain and whine about being treated by the people I work with like a machine and not a human being, why are they that cold. And how come people from other departments are warmer and nicer to me. My friends are from other departments. Never thought about the meaning of that and to be honest …was always looking at them, looking at what I am getting and skipping the part of what did I give.
From day one I was keeping distances and building barriers, I was never ever myself with them. There were always me at work and me at the real life… what am I schizophrenic?.
I was always in control, treating them in a very formal way, kinda felt that it's more professional to act that way. It used to work so well with my superiors. They used to appreciate me for it., but may be I got too far with it..That's what I have given them till my last day.
On the other hand, I was more friendly with people outside my department… as long as they are not directly impacted from my work, it's ok to open my heart and be myself.
So there were always two commodities I used to offer: work and care. Work was being rendered to the people I report to. Care and respect to anyone else.
Another factor being shy and not loud may be hindered my feelings to reach everyone.
To cut the long story short, my boss was so nice that day but my pears were acting as if nothing is going on.
I understand that some people are capable of separating their feelings from work. But I personally don't like such a way so how come I deliberately I act like one.
Custodians, security guards, my very dear friends, and even people I didn't expect, from the agencies, our company in Dubai, AY … they were so sweet and seemed sad saying goodbye.
It was so overwhelming to have them ask if I am going to change my phone number, urging to stay in touch, saying we will miss you, their wishes and prayers. meant a lot to me… really did.
Believe it or not I left the department so silently, just wrote them an email and disappeared. Have to admit that may be I was harsh again as they are not all that cold. And they were preparing for a farewell dinner for me and another colleague who is leaving too next week but that's what I did. At night during that day (I) called and asked why did you leave so suddenly, we were surprised I told him it's because of T and S mainly. He continued I will arrange for a friendlier outing. Felt much more comfortable and learned that chapter's lesson. Next time I want to receive more attention and care …I just have to give it first.

Happy Birthday Rain

2006-09-11T00:51:00.000-07:00

Since my dear friend and the sweet blogger Rain didn't write about her birthday... I decided to celebrate it here till she is back to blogging, hopefully today :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAIN

Wishing you all the joy and happiness that you deserve.

Kolenya layla

2006-09-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

She started to grow up, went to school and a whole new world has opened its arm to show her what's inside. She decided to go and explore, till she found a guard following her wherever she goes, dictating what she can do and what she can't, what she can say and what she can't. Looked at her friends and found other guards just like him standing beside each one of the girls.
But one observation was always there…boys never had guards with them.
She went and asked her parents about the guard, they said he is Mr. Customs and traditions, he is the society's representative, He is there for your own sake and protection. She asked further more and what about all you have taught me…principles, values and religious learning's. They replied: we can't help it; we will be criticized if we fired him. What will people say about us, about you?
She got older, more mature and got accustomed to her life. And somehow saturated with the culture she has brought up in.
Went to a broader world, found different patterns than the ones she used to see; the conservative, guarded girls. The problem is they belonged to the other extreme. She struggled sometime but found a way between this and that, a moderate way, that doesn't differentiate between guys and girls and doesn't take social or economical status into consideration. It just knows what is right and what is wrong.
Continued her journey at work, with great passion and enthusiasm, trying to prove herself and grow. The assumptions at the beginning were that she is not good, or solid enough. That was challenging but she said I will do whatever it takes to prove them wrong.
Started to think of the ones she is willing to share her life with. …where he is and how will she know him. She saw different, not so encouraging types, I must say she wasn't lucky… ranging from the one who is totally irresponsible, to a hesitant, greedy, insensitive, or Mr. I can do better and this type is sadly prevailing.
He thinks since he makes a good living, guys to girls ratio in Egypt is like 1 to 15 (it could be more, don't know the exact ratio, guessing). So he has to be very picky and very selective. And he forgets that girls are human beings and their feelings have to be respected.
He remains thinking and thinking and have this shortlist of girls and starts examining.
Then to continue the bargain, he takes his family and check the bride's house, ask how many TV sets they have and how many AC's and cars they own, stay for hours. (I swear to god it happened), getting into some other financial aspects, causing great discomfort for the girl's parents, and then just leave for good. Why, no one knows.
And then she has to endure the society's intervention in her life and curiosity of why she didn't get married. Why would she marry anyone comes at her door if she doesn't think he is the right person or she doesn't have feelings for him… the society? Again Mr. customs and tradition?
If only they know that she is not after the diamond ring (it's just a rock), or money or the title "Mrs" to please people around her. If only they know she needs care, emotional security and protection. The greatest thing she can offer is love and that's what she only wants in return. Life is all about sharing and she is willing to build with him a life rather than inherit it.
I saw a movie the other day, the main female character wrote a letter and said "I miss my trees", the response of the one who loved her was, he went and took the tree off the ground and planted it where she resides. I know it's fancy stuff.
But that's all what we all want the tree never the rock , appreciation and support at work and a childhood with no guards other than the parental loving teachings.

http://laila-eg.blogspot.com

Questions

2006-09-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

Since I decided to resign and I have been thinking how things will be after that.
I love stability but I invested like five years in my company, indulged to prove that I am good and I am a hard worker.. till I woke up one day and found myself 28 with less friends and single. My life was home, work and absolutely nothing else.
I was raised by a military man (my father) and a headmistress of a school (my mother), imagine the combination. Used to study on my own, never failed at school or collage, never done anything that I regret. The only outing that we were permitted to was the club. The thing is I never moved on… I remained the disciplined girl that is shy and try the hardest to conceal it to look as if I belong to the work environment.
When I first joined the Marketing department. I used to stay up to 9 and 10pm and return home with a great back pain and red eyes from sitting in front of the computer for long hours, loosing weight as a result of having one meal a day. Looking pale and stressed out. Till I decided to leave on time, turn off my cell phone and have some ME time. Actually this ME times was more of family time but since I wasn't there for them for some time, It was good for me.
From that time and I have revolted against my life style and decided to look for another job that will be less draining. Things got worse after my boss left and it was as if all what I did was in vein. Had to start over with a new boss.
Till I had the opportunity and decided to leave the company and join the bank. I proceeded with telling my boss and HR director, who tried to keep me with some promises that I didn't trust.
Then after the approval of the resignation, I told less than 10 people and the news flew to the others.
Next week will be my last one and I am already sick of these questions that I am being asked from 9 till 5:30 everyday from different people, even the ones who are not close at all :
When will be your last day? "Why are you leaving the company". "And where are you going", "Are you traveling", How good is your other offer" , "Do they pay well", "how did you apply"
Another kind of asking the same questions:
"Are you leaving because of anyone here… (Maintaining an eye contact trying to make me confess? "
"How was your meeting with the HR Director, what did he offer you not to leave"
I am a very open person, have really nothing to hide but asking intensely makes me wonder.
I am scared from the change but excited at the same time. Wish me luck.

I am not perfect… Who asked you to be one?

2006-09-02T07:12:00.000-07:00

It's only part of being human to screw up, get confused, rise and fall…
God expected us to do so otherwise the promised forgiveness upon repenting wouldn't have been mentioned.
Each day is a learning experience and one of the learning approaches is "trial and error" method.
Perfectionists (I am confessing I myself am one, but I am really working on it) have this super power of self frustration. They ask themselves for a lot, set high expectations from themselves and in the end nothing they do is ever good enough.
If you want to tease a perfectionist, give him a task and let him compete with another person. I assure you that he will take more time, exert more effort, the result will be fancy but he will get drained. That actually opposes productivity rules.
They miss the fun and enjoyment of doing things occupying their heads with the anticipated result.
Another way of seeking perfection is locking oneself up in a kind of utopia, with a lot of entrance restrictions. Ranging from the fear of an unknown person, assessing him and then give him a pass to enter if nothing goes wrong.
I don't know if it's a fear from disappointment or from that person's flaws. I believe it's disappointment that scares the most.
Seeking a perfect state in even one tiny aspect in life is not also achievable. Example: if I am intolerant to lying… Is it possible that I will know a person who has never lied? Is it possible that I myself have never lied before? Of course not.
Seeking perfection is all about flaws rejection from oneself or others.
It's about perception, understanding that imperfection is natural. It's also very relative… For girls, some of us do conceive men's tears as sign of weakness. For me, it's sensitivity and precious feelings that he trusted you with … after all he is a human being. We have to eliminate the judgmental part and be more mature about it. There is nothing more valuable that you can be granted and awarded with than trust.
It takes a great deal of courage to be out there and don't shy away from our flaws ,faults and feelings .If there is anything that can be enhanced or changed, it would be fine and if not… it's ok.
Our flaws create a neediness state that calls for support, sympathy and compassion from another person and the interrelationship between them creates warmth and love provided the atmosphere and understanding it will grow.

Finally September … My Own Calendar

2006-09-01T02:38:00.000-07:00

I am not a summer person by all means. I do love this month so much may be because of the beautiful memories that I have related to school and college…
I wrote a post a year ago and was surprised that the same feelings are coming back to me.
One good advantage of blogging is keeping track of some events and thoughts.
I got this idea of thinking about what each month represents to me, let's try it out:
(Warning ... it's very simple and childish :)

September: Reminds me of how things were when I was younger … the stationery, school uniform, pack bags, shoes, books, …
October: things get calmer and the day gets shorter … wonderful strolls in the morning.
November: Just wait for it to rain … for me it's like an official announcement of winter.
December: woolen clothes and boots, I love winter outfits, they are always dressy and I believe I look my best in winter.. .so do most of people, you don't see sweaty people in the street. Don't know everything looks classy in winter.
January: gets colder and colder, in Egypt that's the coldest month of all. It rains more often as well. At night there is nothing better than a family or friends evening watching TV or talking with the heater on, drinking hot chocolate.
Cinnamon rolls or chocolate cake are always very much recommended in such evenings :)
February: Still cold with brighter, sunny mornings.
March: It's for me the complete opposite of September, it announces that the spring is just around the corner … the weather is wild and unpredictable with sand storms.
People complain about the weather, allergies, dust … I noticed that it's not only my mood is affected but most of people as well.
April: we get used a little to the warmer weather and begin to appreciate that green color taking over and wonderful flowers glowing under the golden rays of the sun.
May: what can I say … I have to like it, My twin sister and I were born in May :)
June: Hot June, the day time is getting longer and it's summer holiday for school students, everywhere is crowded and the traffic becomes horrific.
July: Oh Hotter… one thing you can do to make it better… RUN, seriously traveling to the north coast or Alex becomes a must to take a break and escape from the heat.
August: THE HOTTEST but knowing that September will follow makes it pass. This month is like preparing to hibernate. Whoever haven't get the chance to travel, he travels as of it's forbidden to travel to coastal cities after this month.

Apart from this calendar .. there comes Ramadan, at a different timing each year but it deserves a post of its own.

Heart talks

2006-08-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

Truthful eyes are displays of the heart. We are born with pure hearts that their light glows and shine through the eyes. And nothing corrupts the heart more than giving up on it. Hearts need protection and needs recharging with hope and faith. Being connected with our hearts keeps revitalizing it.
My opinion there are many fatal diseases that can attack humans' hearts… greed, selfishness, cruelty, revenge, outraged jealousy, anger, frustration, lack of faith, ....
These heart diseases range from mild to extreme cases and one very apparent symptom seems to prevail in all cases … this person doesn't trust his heart any more and as a consequence …he revolves and disconnects his brain to work independently from his feelings, emotions and principles.
His heart gets rusty and dies … then his eyes will no longer reflect anything, and if they do … the picture will be a shrunk colorless dead muscle. A heartless person is a sick person with a great pain, he doesn't need to be judged but helped. Ironically his only cure is to be loved and believed in.
Back to the truly beautiful talks of the heart … don't know if I am alone in this but the most precious and wonderful words I have ever felt, I did not hear … I have seen.
Some words have become cheesy since they are greatly misused … if you know someone who has a history with flirting and he said I love you.., will you feel it? won't you question it?
If someone always turns into this kind and tender person when he wants something (a favor or anything) and then disappears. Would you trust a word from him.
Haven't you ever happened to see a colleague talking on the phone , saying great things, sucking up and at the same time he is making faces that he doesn't stand the person he talks to … or you know he is lying.
On the other hand, the number of times that I really wanted to say thanks … I couldn't find the words to express how I feel… "thank you" wasn't enough for me to say but I think that the way I said it and from my eyes I could say how grateful I was. Some other incidents where I couldn’t say something but it was felt…
It's very rewarding when someone comprehends what you want to say and responds as if he heard you asking yourself the question.
When you do not understand something and you find someone figured out that you need help and volunteers to clarify it for you. When someone you love is leaving and you look at him saying nothing but your heart is saying "please stay" and he does.

I can recall very brief heart conversations and though they were mute, they were very much felt and heard.

There once was a castle

2006-08-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

The story begins one sunny day on a beach, saw beautiful castles built on the sand. I guess I couldn't recognize the fact that they were not real, they were built for fun and no one ever thought that they could be inhabited.
Dreamt of having a home of my own, not necessarily as big or beautiful as those castles and told myself no matter how humble it's going to be I will love it because I have made it.
Started to think of the shape of the castle I am going to build, got carried away … lost track of time. Forgot about the other castles and people.
The materials I used were sand, water, passion, dreams and love. My little castle started to take its shape. Wished to get some help but no one offered any…. have to admit I was too proud to ask.
Never lost hope that the one meant to share with me the castle would show up and get the castle done together.
Everyday I used to say he is coming tomorrow … started to get tired. And one day just saw someone standing near me, knew from the first moment that he is like no one else, felt as if I have seen him before, the guy of my dreams came out of my dreams and stood in front of me.
I was thrilled and the way he looked at me was as if he knew me too. Paused for a minute without saying a word till I felt it's awkward but in my heart I just felt …he is the one.
He never got any nearer but his presence gave me a big push. I worked harder and harder but kept wondering why he is keeping a distance. Is he waiting for a sign from me… what sort of sign does he need. Wouldn't that be against my pride ? finally just prayed he comes and decided to keep working.
Fell asleep and dreamt that the castle was built and became the most wonderful castle of them all. It was so warm and cozy, went to check out the rooms inside… loved everything about it, the colors, simplicity, an enchanting sunset view from the window, a very soft sound of music that I couldn't tell where is it coming from and the smell of freshly baked vanilla flavored cookies.
Got outside, looked at the direction of the sea , felt it was farther .. watched the sun getting smaller and turning into a darker orange color while sinking gracefully in the sea. Turned my head and looked around the castle and instead of the sand there was a very nice garden with white and pink roses across all sides and reddish brown rectangular pots of lavender and parsley near all the windows. While exploring the garden I happened to spot just one blue Iris flower in the middle of the greenery. Couldn't overlook the feeling that it's sad and lonely and for a reason I empathized with it.
I went and touched it very gently and all of the sudden, I found it aging, drying and wrinkling … the very smooth flower turned to a rough grainy powder in less than a minute. Guess the shock wake me up. Opened my eyes in to realize that it was a just a dream, but felt something in my hand, the same rough grainy powder. it was some grains of sand and found my castle all washed out. Just mild traces left.
No one was still on the beach, it was so cold and the sky was cloudy. Before I could stand up, it started to rain heavily to announce that it was winter already.
Looked further to see if anyone or any of the built castles still exist but they were all gone …
Now that I have learned from the best, I realize that it was all my fault … it's ok to chase your dream and try to make it real… but sand and water are never the right tools.
How come I wanted something so hard and I didn't build it as strong as it should have been.

Who owns the truth

2006-08-22T12:58:00.000-07:00

Only Allah owns and knows the truth. But what about our struggle to know it, our need or even curiosity. I believe we are meant to be truth seekers otherwise things would have been much easier to comprehend.

Everyone has his/her own truth .. set of beliefs and perceptions built over years and form glass shields/ boundaries, that an outsider can not see. Only the one behind them is obliged to see through or even imprisoned in them.

Getting a feeling every once in a while that something is wrong, or missing and wanting to know the truth no matter what. Can result in one of these two scenarios as I believe :

First one: Having enough strength and courage to head wherever I expect to find another deeper or different kind of truth.. .breaking the shields and then eventually a wider space can be created/revealed to be owned, the cycle continues to get bigger and the boundaries get farther. And though there will always be limitations… a bigger world with a wider, multi angled view will emerge.

Second scenario: the attempt ends when the point comes to cross the line, a feeling of intimidation and captivation inside the glass cell starts to grow. Some negative thoughts about not having the willingness to know anything further, having the arrogance of the needless state to know what others say or what actually is going on. Believing that being sheltered in such a cocoon of thoughts and preset ideas is safe and shouldn't be contaminated under any circumstances. And in some cases, it's the advance desperation that I am not strong enough to embrace this truth and defend it.

But this cocoon is not that safe . It's as if you are closing your eyes, ears, heart and mind, disabling your senses but guess what … a shocking truth can always know its way to that shelter, attack really bad causing the shield to devastate resulting in immersing exposure to what you were always hiding from.

Don't know if the truth is relative or it's just everything is ,much more sophisticated than what we think it is.

How do you expect me to tell the truth when nothing can be accurately described or fairly measured?
A plant that I can see as clearly green will never stay as green. The one whom I think is a saint is just a human and may/will make mistakes. A reliable favorite piece of furniture can get broken the next day. My side of the story is never the same as my opponent's. And much different that the whole story from an eyewitness or outsider's point of view.

Even my feelings and emotions not just change but are not understandable to even me. so asking a question related to them will give you a different answer every time you ask even if we assume that the answers were going the same direction all the way, still they vary in their extent.

What made me think of all that … well, I just found myself 28 asking so many questions, wondering about many things and I am seeking to take a glimpse of truth.

What can we do …

2006-08-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

My opinion is, Egypt didn't play the role that was required from it during the Lebanese crisis causing great frustration and anger among Egyptians and generating many questions, energy and willingness to do anything to help our brothers and sisters .Watching from a distance was a nerve wrecking experience.
But the initiative to dedicate a hall in Ard El Ma3ared for Lebanon has given us the opportunity to share, help and participate … it's the least. But we needed it.
I went last Sunday, yesterday and today … you can see the improvement yourself, watching the number of volunteers increasing everyday. Not to mention the trucks and the boxes inside the hall pilling up and occupying more space everyday, and knowing when did the plane leave to deliver the stuff there. Mashaa Allah !
Yesterday and today when we left, we were really worried and kind of sad that we got so tired and couldn't continue helping the guys, still a lot to be done.
They all work very seriously, no talking, no time wasted, only workers getting the stuff out of the trucks and volunteers carrying, packing and labeling them.
When we reached there yesterday, we arrived at nearly 7pm, the guys were packing cheese, so in order to do that we had to carry them and put them in a spot across the hall. My friend (S) found out that our role was to pick up the cheese packs from one place to the other to be labeled … she looked at me and said "you said packing.. it's not what we are doing".
Today, was truly packing, …. After a while she told me "yesterday was easier, she
Looked extremely tired but she looked and said …still a lot of stuff, we have to come tomorrow. We came back sweaty and tired but we were happy.
If you are still wondering what can do, please go there it's Ard El Ma3ared – Nasr City, volunteer and give the guys a hand. Another thing, if you would like to share with purchasing stuff, I asked the Organizer there (his name is Gehad) and he told me they are short in Baby food (Gerber).

Peace Now

2006-08-16T05:11:00.000-07:00

Mixed feeling have come over everybody (happiness, fear,victory, sadness while watching the destructed beautiful country and deceased civilians, … )
The real victory for me is that the misery is over.
The Lebanese resistance has made us all proud after our governments have failed to be up to our expectations.
My prayers for peace as I know that Lebanon will be rebuilt again as long as the people have the spirit, faith and resistance. (God bless the martyrs).
The Lebanese conflict timelines (Continue)

Sayyed Nasrallah's speech - Rebuilding Lenbanon

Cautious relief greets ceasefire

An ambiguous resolution ... is it???

2006-08-12T03:12:00.000-07:00

UN calls for peace as fighting continues

Sounds good but read this...

Israel wages broader Lebanon attack

"A ceasefire that is incomplete is not a true ceasefire"Tarek Mitri, Lebanon's acting foreign minister.

Light at the end of the tunnel

2006-08-07T00:06:00.000-07:00

My grandma used to say "As long as there is a night, there will be a day ”.

God created us and planted hope in our hearts, we are resonsible to keep it alive and give ourselves a reason to live .

Hold on, wait for the day you want to come, get up everyday to see if it's the one you are waiting or you have to wait one more day, make it happen and then treat yourself when you reach the end of the tunnel. Start thinking how … any ideas ? :)

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all".

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow them".

"He who does not hope to win has already lost".

"Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers"

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible".

Does that make my father a terrorist?

2006-08-05T14:36:00.000-07:00

I guess I myself could be a terrorist too … how so? Well, let's begin with my father
He was a member of a big family, my grandfather was a military man and his brother was a pasha. He had four daughters and six sons including my dad.

On june 5th,1967 Israel attacked Egypt with no prior notification, one of my uncles was in the Egyptian Air force, his plane was targeted during the same year and he was killed.

My dad joined the Military Academy, he then graduated and got the chance to fight in 1973 war against the Israelis.

Does that make my father a terrorist?
He fought because it was his job, because it was a state of defense and to secure the lives we are having now.
It wasn't to revenge for his brother as he knew he is a martyr (shahid) … it's an honor to be one and because the martyr's in Islam is in heaven. (Here and here to develop a better understanding of the term and stop the confusion).

I asked him recently if he had captivated any of the opponent's army. He said yes … I asked did you hurt them? He said in an angry tone … they have tortured Egyptian captives. I then remembered a report I saw on Jazeera channel. And I knew that we didn't do the same otherwise where is their report.

Does that make my father a terrorist?
About the captives: Islam has limited killing the captives on the condition that they could cause harm and it has forbidden killing them in case they are women or children.

My father taught us since we were young to pray, fast, love everyone, help everyone, be truthful, honest and be companionate. he said that's how we should behave as Muslims. He has a beard and goes to the mosque to pray …
Does that make my father a terrorist?

My answer : no my father is not a terrorist, there are misconceptions that has to be explained so that we don't walk with the feeling that we are suspects just because we are Arabs and Muslims.

You know who are the terrorists : those who kill innocent people without a cause but hatred, thirst for blood … tearing families apart and ripping our hearts off alive.
They give lame excuses to the world … and try to twist the truth. But do you think there can be any excuse for killing children and women, for attacking a hospital, a factory, a school or a shelter at night. aren't they advanced enough so they can preciously locate their opponents.

The real terrorists are planting in vein their evil seeds in the souls of … those who watch the violent, ruthless acts committed against their families and loved ones and their hearts are being charged and saturated with hate that has once been love to the ones they lost with the overload of enduring the silence of all who know the truth and afraid to say a word and the other force that supports and approves the massacres and just don't get enough of the innocent people's misery … what else can make them stop, what else are they waiting for … new words are being taught to children "BOOM BOOM" when they hear the bombing and ask what that is, new scenes of dead bodies are being watched by mothers and little children scattered all around their neighborhood and on the roads. While some other words are disappearing like home, and may be mummy or daddy some of these children will hopefully have a home but being an orphan the other two words have departed for good.

Being a viewer of the daily painful tragedies …watching from a distance. I know from the bottom off my heart that … there is only one thing that we are living to see … peace.

My prayers now for peace.

Egyptian Women's demonstration

2006-08-03T12:50:00.000-07:00

That was the Egyptian women's demonstration that took place yesterday August 2nd ,2006

Still to come ... the demonstration of August 6th,2006 , let's all be there...

We must be heard, the war has got to stop.

Yield of July 2006 - Lebanese conflict timeline

2006-08-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

July 31 :
Israel suspends its air attacks on southern Lebanon for 48 hours…. But,
Israel's security cabinet gives the army the green light to widen a ground offensive against Hezbollah fighters.
July 30 :
Israeli air raid on a south Lebanon village, Qana, kills more than 60 Lebanese civilians, most of them children who were sleeping.
Israeli missile strike hits the main Lebanese border crossing into Syria, forcing its closure.
July 29 :
Lebanon's prime minister, says that if Israel wants secure borders it must withdraw from the disputed Shebaa Farms area that it has occupied since 1967.
Hezbollah's leader, vows to hit Israel with more rockets and says that Condoleezza Rice's visit to the region aimed to "impose conditions that serve Israel".
July 28 :
Israeli government says it is ready to call up 30,000 reservists.
Shia Amal movement and Hezbollah would join forces against Israel's offensive in Lebanon.
July 27 :
Israeli warplanes hit Hezbollah targets in southern Lebanon killing at least seven people, reports said.
Hezbollah lunches least 40 rockets also hit several towns in northern Israel, including Kiryat Shimona.
July 26 :
Israeli bomb killed four of United Nations observers in southern Lebanon.
Israeli and Hezbollah forces continue battling for control of the town of Bint Jbeil in southern Lebanon.
July 25 :
Israeli strike killed four soldiers from the United Nations Interim Force.
Israeli troops enter the border town of Bint Jbeil, a Hezbollah military stronghold, for the first time.
Israel is accused by Human Rights Watch of using artillery-fired cluster grenades against a Lebanese village.
July 24 :
Israeli troops battle their way to a key Hezbollah stronghold in south Lebanon and capture two fighters.
July 23 :
Israeli air strikes kill at least 12 civilians, including a Lebanese press photographer near the southern city of Tyre.
Hezbollah missiles land on Haifa killing 2 civilians and wounding several others. More than 2,200 rockets have hit Israel so far.
July 22 :
Israel continues hitting communications targets in Lebanon, including a relay station used by several Lebanese television stations.
Hezbollah fires at least 50 rockets hitting several cities and villages in northern Israel.
July 21 :
Israeli air force continues to hit targets around Lebanon. More than 300 Lebanese civilians have now been killed in the raids.
More than 100,000 civilians have already left their homes in south Lebanon.
Hezbollah launch fewer rockets than on any day since the conflict began. Only 40 rockets reach Israel.
July 20 :
Israeli army units enter southern Lebanon to attack Hezbollah positions near the border. Four Israeli soldiers are killed. An Israeli airman dies when two Apache attack helicopters collide near the northern border.
Israeli air attacks on southern Lebanese towns and Baalbek kill 45 Lebanese civilians.
Hezbollah fires more than 120 rockets at Israel. Two Arab children are killed in the Israeli-Arab town of Nazareth.
July 19 :
Israel drops 23 tonnes of bombs on a single target in southern Beirut in an attempt to kill Hassan Nasrallah. More than 70 Lebanese civilians are killed as Israel continues its bombing campaign against Lebanese.
Hezbollah fire more than 100 missiles into Israel. One Israeli is killed in the town of Nahariya.
July 18 :
Israel continues its air strikes across Lebanon killing 11 Lebanese soldiers in their army barracks east of Beirut.
Hezbollah rockets again strike Haifa, wounding several Israelis.
July 17 :
Israeli strikes on Lebanon continue, killing more than 45 civilians.
Hezbollah fires more rockets into Israel, injuring at least 10 civilians in Haifa and Safed.
July 16 :
Israel continues air attacks killed at least 23 people around Lebanon.
Hezbollah rockets hit Haifa, Israel's second city, killing eight civilians and wounding more than 20.
July 15 :
Israeli aircraft destroy Hezbollah's headquarters in southern Beirut in an attempt to kill Hasan Nasrallah
Israel bombs Lebanon's ports and other sites across Lebanon. The attacks kill at least 35 people.
Israeli rockets hit their van near the southern city of Saida, killing eighteen Lebanese civilians.
Hezbollah rockets hit Tiberias, an Israeli city in Galilee.
July 14 :
Israel bombs targets across Lebanon including bridges, roads and power stations.
Israeli aircraft also hits Hezbollah's headquarters in Beirut.
Israel attacks broadcasting facilities belonging to Hezbollah's Al-Manar television channel.
Hezbollah fires an Iranian-made anti-shipping rocket at an Israeli naval vessel off Beirut. The attack kills four Israeli sailors.
July 13 :
Israeli jets bomb the runway of Lebanon's only international airport, announces an air and sea blockade of Lebanon.
Israeli aircraft attack what it says are Hezbollah targets across southern Lebanon. The raids kill 35 Lebanese civilians.
Hezbollah fires rockets that hit towns in northern Israel, including Nahariya and Safed. Two civilians are killed.
July 12 :
Hezbollah captured two Israeli soldiers and said that they will release them if Israel frees Palestinian prisoners held in Israeli jails.
Lieutenant-General Dan Halutz, Israel's chief of staff, says: "If the soldiers are not returned, we will turn Lebanon's clock back 20 years."

http://www.colddesert.blogspot.com/
http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/middleeast-crisis/index.html
http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/35772526-C1A8-4599-868C-E513C4F29C9B.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_the_2006_Israel-Lebanon_conflict#July_17
http://www.dailystar.com.lb/July_War06.asp

It's about time to know the truth

2006-07-31T23:35:00.000-07:00

Would like to begin with this quote “There is nothing to fear except the persistent refusal to find out the truth, the persistent refusal to analyze the causes of happenings”.

I have said it before … what I write is purely love driven, but the pain of putting up with lies and false claims have had it with me and can no longer bear the silence that costs innocent people their lives and deprives them from the world's support and consideration.

Won’t try to impose my point of view or be defensive … will just try to highlight some facts and leave it up to you.

Countering Zionist propaganda about Hizbullah and Lebanon

WHO ARE THE REAL TERRORISTS? (warning .. .the article contains strong photos)

You Can Not Kill Us All (listen to that interview)

Ahmad's diary of Israel's War on Lebanon!

New entry, Qana Massacre (Israeli's Top .... ruthless crimes)

2006-07-30T04:59:00.000-07:00

Breaking news : An Israeli air strike killed at least 51 Lebanese civilians, including 23 children, in the southern village of Qana today, in the bloodiest single attack during Israel's 19-day-old war on Hezbollah.

IT IS THIS THE FIRST TIME ... the list is really long and yet the world is turning a blind eye.

The Massacre at Baldat al-Shaikh YEHIDA MASSACRE KHISAS MASSACRE QAZAZA MASSACRE The Semiramis Hotel Massacre The Massacre at Dair Yasin NASER AL-DIN MASSACRE THE TANTURA MASSACRE BEIT DARAS MASSACRE THE DAHMASH MOSQUE MASSACRE DAWAYMA MASSACRE HOULA MASSACRE SHARAFAT MASSACRE Salha Massacre The Massacre at Qibya KAFR QASEM MASSACRE Khan Yunis Massacre The Massacre in Gaza City AL-SAMMOU' MASSACRE Aitharoun Massacre Kawnin Massacre Hanin Massacre Bint Jbeil Massacre Abbasieh Massacre Adloun Massacre Saida Massacre Fakhani Massacre Beirut Massacre
Sabra And Shatila Massacre Jibsheet Massacre Sohmor Massacre Seer Al Garbiah Maaraka Massacres Zrariah Massacre Homeen Al-Tahta Massacre Jibaa Massacre Yohmor Massacre Tiri massacre Al-Naher Al-Bared Massacre Ain Al-Hillwee Massacre OYON QARA MASSACRE Siddiqine Massacre AL-AQSA MOSQUE MASSACRE THE IBRAHIMI MOSQUE MASSACRE THE JABALIA MASSACRE Aramta Massacre ERETZ CHECKPOINT MASSACRE Deir Al-Zahrani Massacre Nabatiyeh (school bus) Massacre Mnsuriah Massacre The Sohmor Second Massacre Nabatyaih Massacre Qana Massacre Trqumia Massacr Janta Massacre 24 Of June 1999 Massacres Western Bekaa villages Massacre:
1-Abu Za3bal factory -Egypt February 12,1970 70 dead69 injured +complete destruction of the factory
2-Ba7r Ba2ar school –egyptApril 8,1970 19 child killed 60 child was injuredP.S : the whole village was completely empty from any military target

Now will we stand still and watch ... ?

Online Donation or telephoning: (Islamic Relief)
UK : + 44 121 622 0622 USA : +1 818 238 95 20France : +33 149 171717Germany : + 49 221 722 0799Holland : + 31 206 160 022Belgium : + 32 22 198 184Switzerland : +41 227 320 273Italy : + 39 34 703 41183 Worldwide: +44 121 622 0622

For Egyptians: The Lebanese embassy opened account # 156156002 Misr bank for rescue in Lebanon; and fax # 7369612 for item donation.

GOD BLESS LEBANON

2006-07-22T07:16:00.000-07:00

Won't start with winning and saying how it hurts, would like to urge you to do whatever you can … please DO something.
They are using the media to mislead the world, they are killing civilians, they know no mercy. We know them quite well ...we had our share of their deceit, ruthless acts.
So what can we do …
1- Prayers and invocation.
2- Sign petition (here)
3- Make donations

4- Explain in your spaces and blogs who is the enemy and what they do (Raise Awareness) so the world can see who the terrorists are.
5- Review these Lebanese blogs and see yourself what they are going through.
http://lebanonheartblogs.blogspot.com/

"Allah made it not but as a message of good news for you and as an assurance to your hearts. And there is no victory except from Allah, the All-Mighty, the All-Wise". ( سورة آل عمران , Aal-e-Imran, Chapter #3, Verse #126)

"Let those (believers) who sell the life of this world for the Hereafter fight in the Cause of Allah, and whoso fights in the Cause of Allah, and is killed or gets victory, We shall bestow on him a great reward". ( سورة النساء , An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #74

I am back

2006-07-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

Here are the photos that I took
Thank god it was a nice vacation, . except for the bitterness, fear and pain of what is happening in Lebanon.

Insignificant thoughts

2006-07-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

What bothers me the most is that I am still trying to make it work.
Hope sometimes is draining it doesn’t make you quit working on hopeless cases.

You have to be impatient to start transforming an idea in your head to reality and very patient to wait throughout this transformation process till it’s realized.

“What do you think of me” is an intriguing question that I don’t ask but always love to know the answer.

Why do we wait … things don’t always turn the way we expected.

When you want a certain thing to happen, the options you have are to forget about it or make it happen … waiting is not an option.

Love is a simple word that can not easily be said as such, but it take strange forms and be disguised in words as easy as HI, strange enough …still felt as the L word.

He was so near when he was away, presence is felt.
Now all these people are away while they’re near … absence is experienced.

There aren’t two different places, it’s one land under one sky.

Words get devaluated after being heard from liars.

I am very grateful, Allah has granted me things that I have asked for and also things I just thought about and never uttered a word … my thought were answered!

Does a liar get satisfied when a second party is fooled or does he feel guilty. are there any excuses he gives to himself or he doesn’t bother.

The Tide

2006-07-10T05:26:00.000-07:00

I am very excited about my annual summer vacation. so longing to sit on the beach, watch sun set and saturate myself with the beauty and wildness of the sea, the sky colors and a long walks on the shore, and boats if possible.
Cover myself with the night’s dark shades and enjoy the duet of the sea and wind’s sounds.
So in need to look and see a very far sky yet too close all around me and endless blue enchanting tones warmed by the golden sun rays. I literally need to stretch my eyesight, and see no boundaries.
Don’t exactly know why this time I am feeling like a little girl, thinking of outfits, shoes and accessories , at the same time I am thinking to have more mature stuff like my laptop and a camera.
Who will I be there?... am I going to have fun and go out or just relax, think and dream?
Used to be a daydreamer, now I am revolting against being happy because of something that was never true and only exists in my mind. I am against fake feelings no matter how noble they are .. .still fake.
The days we are living resembles the waves of the sea, sometimes they are calm, sometimes they are strong and harsh. No one knows what each wave brings.
I always loved to see the traces of the soft smooth lines and froth left from the surge that used to overwhelm the sand and see the effect of the unseen but felt tide. See how far my chair had become after I used to feel the waves touching my feet. When the night sneaks in and takes away the light, the sea waves and give them to some other people in another part of the world.
We are all the same, we all share one true thing … our existence in this world is based on a sole creator who created us to share this universe and distribute all the blesses among us.
So that when the night falls, we know … will have a brand new morning … when it’s our turn.

Random Thoughts

2006-06-23T07:21:00.001-07:00

Time is a big illusion, the calculations are not correct … the hour is not 60 minutes, sometimes it's 10, 30 or eternity.

Getting a thing after asking for it is not worth it.

Showing ones feelings is a courageous act that I can't do.

"Disappointment doesn't kill, but rejection kills"…. From a movie

Pride is an extra weight that a proud person can never get off his shoulder.

I quit reading the papers years ago… it' s a real torture to absorb all the sadness while knowing there is nothing I can do. it's better not to know than knowing and sit still.

I have a feeling that I am really running out of .. PATIENCE.

The returning visits and hits I found in my blog counter really amaze me, always make me curious … who are these people, why do they visit and never say a word… do they come for me or may be there is a link in my blog they use and never bother reading.

At the farewell party of my ex-boss, he thanked me , I was so moved by that … weird enough, I can't recall a word. In fact I don't think I even heard what he said …

In the team building day, I realized how different I am .. tried to pretend that I am comfortable as if I belong. Tried to show them the real me but there was a hinder that I couldn't get over.

What happens if you have an ample supply of feelings stored for a long time? … it dries.

I always miss the hints, give the impression that I don't care, then understand when it's too late.
Spring and summer are not by any mean my favorite times of the year especially in Cairo. I need to travel or blink and find it's September already.

I can't claim that I had memories that the sea was part of so how can I explain my obsession with the sea and boats.

Another obsession that I discovered lately thanks to photography … roses.

It's not impulsiveness that I sometimes to the extreme, it's passion.

They used to tell us in the exams, start answering the questions you know first…. Now, I don't have an answer to any of them, from where shall I start?

People go through similar phases and problems; may be that's what make them feel connected.

Every now and then it's important to feel the victory of winning … I am thirsty for winning these days.

I keep a distance and build barriers that don't only block my feelings and thoughts but others' too. Wish they could smash these barriers … I really can't do it on my own.

Empty !

2006-06-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

The ship has sailed with no predetermined destination
But an urgency to leave and head to another shore, … another land !
How long will it take? , they said the journey itself is enjoyable.
My worst nightmare was not to be prepared,
Prepared for what ? … didn't know then.
So I took everything with me to feel secure.
Dreamt of a shore that I have never had a glimpse of.
Couldn't feel any fear at the beginning.
The sea was calm and the starry nights were enchanting
There were pink shades hanging over everything I see
I could see the mountains from a distance moving as if they are accompanying me.
I began to see something else ….
What is it ? … An island !
As we were getting closer, the wind started to blow.
I got scared a little, took a look at the far island,
Felt better and fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning, had another look … but,
The mountains were no longer seen, they totally vanished
Why did they leave me alone?
And why did they show up in the first place.
Moreover, there wasn't a trace of an island,
It was just the see and the sky, we were lost in a blue world.
That had no signs, borders or even any other color; only grades of blue.
Couldn't tell where the sea ends and where the sky begins.
I then knew what I used to see wasn't yesterday as I thought.
Seems, I totally lost track of time, there has been years.
Looked at other people's faces and saw them much older,
And saw myself in their eyes getting older as well.
There were some other people on the ship, where did they go?
Where are all my luggage, stuff, dreams, plans and hope … ?
Tried to look for them … asked myself will I still need them.
Found some hope in my soul but there are a lot of things missing.
As if it was leaking and now that I can save the rest,
Still I feel the emptiness.
Didn't check further…
Decided to keep the faith, and pray to reach the shore someday.
With no dreams … only reality is left.
I am now just wondering … what are left in these luggage?
Is there still anything inside or are they EMPTY?

Away

2006-06-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

I have a great difficulty these days concentrating and thinking… a lot of distraction, thoughts, things going on and I need to find the time to grasp them and reach conclusions.
I will be away from blogging for sometime. Hope to get back with a clearer mind.
Will miss you all my friends.

Thanks my dear friends

2006-05-28T06:40:00.000-07:00

Messages, emails, phone calls and a celebration at work… that what has been going on since this morning.
What a wonderful day. thanks to all who made it that special and beautiful.
Would like to say “Happy Birthday” my dear twin sister :)
Rain, Moon, Wonderer, Engy and Ahmad … I can never thank you enough.

Insignificant thoughts

2006-05-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

· Couldn't believe I don't remember, I checked … and it was nothing, so that's why I forgot.
· The ones with goals don't see they are approaching and getting closer to achieve them, and when they reach them, they are either tired or don't think they were good enough.
· Some people only see who needs them and never see what they have already given… "Their good is better and their better is the best" .
· The story of a little girl who tried to help everyone in her way till she needed help, then she got all the support from them in her way back … is very true.
· If you want to judge a person, just look at yourself when he/she is around.
· Don't look at the mirror a lot; you do look different to everyone.
· Some people look you in the eye and see thorough your heart and others just love to see their reflection in your eyes.
· "Can we feel your heart or does it beat for you alone" … from a song.
· Are years calculated, counted or felt?
· I keep bumping into the same people what a coincidence and yet whom I would like to be seeing is probably in Mars.
· Don't punish dear ones by getting apart, it will hurt you more.
· It's all about acceptance. Don't know if being in denial can provide the time to develop acceptance or it's an intermediate stage between the initial bad news and the real shock.
· As much as I know, it might sound weird, I don't want to work.
· I am so bad with details; it's more convenient to see the whole picture instead. Details are so many to be covered, no wonder the details oriented people are frustrated or always in a hurry.
· Love is not blind. we all have flaws .. but the flaws of whom we love are cute.
· There is something much worse than a mean person … a fake sweet person.
· Please tell me the truth, I can handle anything but lies.
· Results are not important as long as you have tried.
· I have learned not to say ”I don't know"; If someone else could … I can.

Enough for now, will go to sleep :)

Tag

2006-05-22T04:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks Nerro for the tag.

1- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as your dinner guest? As your close friend? As your lover?
Dinner guest: my family members who are living abroad and I miss them sooooooo much.
Close friend: Someone I can learn from.
Lover: Somone I can love

2- Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by five years to become extremely attractive?
No

3- Would you rather spend a month on vacation with your parents or put in overtime at your current job for four weeks without extra compensation?
Of course I will choose the vacation.

4- When did you last cry by yourself? In front of another person?
I can’t remember exactly when. But it wasn’t long ago.

5- If 100 people your age were chosen at random, how many do you think youâ€™d find leading a more satisfying life than yours?
The people I think have satisfying lives think my life is more satisfying… how ironic !

6- If you had the choice of one intimate soul mate and no other close friends, or of no such soul mate and many friends and acquaintances, which would you choose?
I have always been with friends so why not try soul mate for a change :)

7- Do you think your friends would agree with one another about the kind of person you are? My friends can, but any other person can be easily unintentionally mislead (Gemini).

8- Would you prefer to be blind or deaf?
Oh … none of the above :), Thank god for all the blesses.

9- How many of your friendships have lasted more than ten years? Which of your current friends do you feel will still be important to you ten years from now?
Very few but they have changed a lot that I no longer feel they are the same.

10- If you could mould to your liking your memories of any past experience, would you do so?
No

11- Would you be content with a marriage of the highest quality in all respects but one â€“ it completely lacked sex?
Will skip this one :p (inappropriate)

12- If you were happily married, and then met someone you felt was certain to always bring you deeply passionate, intoxicating love, would you leave your spouse? What if you had kids?
I may have a lot of flaws but I am very faithful and have great respect for my family members. So If I was married, my eyes and heart would have been already captured by my husband.

13- Relative of the population at large? How do you rate your physical attractiveness? Your intelligence? Your personality?
I swear I don’t know…

14- If you could script the basic plot for the dream you will have tonight, what would the story be?
Traveling.

15- While out one day, you are surprised to see your father holding hands with someone who is clearly his lover, he begs you not to say anything to your mother. How would you respond? What if your mother later told you that she was going crazy thinking that your father was having an affair yet knew it was just her imagination?
Can’t happen.

16- If you had to spend the next 2 years inside a small but fully provisioned Antarctic shelter with one other person, whom would you like to have with you?
Soul mate

17- You become involved romantically but after 6 months realize you need to end the relationship. If you were certain the person would commit suicide if you were to leave and were also certain you could not be happy with the person, what would you do?
If I am certain that this person would commit suicide for any reason I will certainly leave him.

18- What was your most enjoyable dream? Your worst nightmare?
Enjoyable dream: seeing M, worst nightmare: loosing dear ones or falling.

19- If by sacrificing your life you could contribute so much to the world you would be honored by all nations, would you be willing to do so? If so, would you make the sacrifice knowing that someone you thoroughly disliked would received that honor while you went unrecognized?
Yes as long as It made a difference to someone else’s life even if it wasn’t known.

20- Would you like your spouse to be both smarter and more attractive than you are?
Smartness is a must, attractiveness … even better :)

21- You discover that your wonderful one-year-old child is, because of a mix-up at the hospital, not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to try and correct the mistake?
Of course !

22- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
This morning in my car.

23- Which sex do you think has it easier in our culture? Have you ever wished you were of the opposite sex?
It’s so easy being a female thank god. I enjoy it .. to be invited to dinner, get roses, have the doors opened for me to enter first … (that doesn’t happen a lot, where are the gentlemen :).
Best thing about it: I don't have to take the initiative or make the first move.

24- What are your most compulsive habits? Do you regularly struggle to break these habits?Washing my hands a lot, when I try to minimize it ... I use the sanitizer.

25- Would you enjoy spending a month of solitude in a beautiful natural setting? Food and shelter would be provided but you would not see another person.
Solitude… no, not me.

26- If you knew you would die of an incurable disease within 3 months, would you allow yourself to be frozen within the week if you knew it would give you a modest chance of being revived in 1,000 years and living a greatly extended life?
No

27- You are invited to a party that will be attended by many fascinating people you have never met. Would you want to go if you had to go by yourself?
No, It’s hard for me to be in a party by myself.

28- If you were at a friend's house for thanksgiving dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what would you do?
Will never ever go to that house again :) .

29- If someone you love deeply is brutally murdered and you know the identity of the murderer, who unfortunately is acquitted of the crime. Would you seek revenge?
I will leave him to god for punishment. I can’t do him any worse than he did to himself. But for sure I will report on him to the police.

I would like to tag my dear friends in my sidebar… if they like.

I want to know

2006-05-20T02:48:00.000-07:00

Just thought because I wake up every day, open the window, see the light and enjoy the morning breeze … everything will be ok.
Every day is a new beginning. but yesterday can never be forgotten. I regretted what I haven't said, what I wanted to say and didn't till it was too late. But I am regretting more what I haven't heard; I just wish I knew …
Now I am left with so many questions, will I ever know the answers ? … or again it's too late.
Didn't I want to know back then, was I afraid? …. May be. I didn't want to show how I so wanted to know just in case the answer won't be a favorable one.
It really doesn't matter if it's good or bad, still it's better to be known ; if it was a good thing and I didn't know it: I missed the feeling of hapiness and if it was a bad thing, I have missed the lesson.
I had this feeling of being around people that they all know something and I don't, I could feel them say … can't you see, yes I can't see and I don't know. Why don't they just tell me. is the truth that bad?, or they think I understand but I am trying to conceal it?
I want to know all the answers without even asking. May be I now have the courage to listen, but still haven't got the enough strength to ask.

Bigger missions require sacrifices.

2006-05-19T04:33:00.000-07:00

Select New Game from the menu, you find a player (yourself and some other people (players) that still don't know. The basic rule of the game is you have to assign the missions to yourself according to the way that you will choose and therefore you will choose your profession and role in the game. There are many ways, you have many rides, and equipments but again it depends on the role. So you might approach a car and try to drive it and it won't work. Don't waste the time. Try to walk or use a bus nearby… there are always alternatives.
The destination is also determined by you. If you find yourself in the wrong place, just move it and don't stand still.
There were many players who just lost because they got confused and didn't take any decision till the end of the game, the game has certain duration.
Some other players were impressed with all the buildings, cars, yachts and wanted them all. And they couldn't concentrate on their way, as their eyes were focused on what they want not how to achieve it.
The other players and who are abided by the same rules ... fair enough !

I didn't know what to choose, my strategy was to spend sometime watching other players and what their options have lead them to, then decide which way I will take.
Before I reach a conclusion, I started to give myself big missions, tried to find a way to achieve them, but I couldn't. I went and sit aside again thinking, my amended strategy was based on the fact that I lack the experience and the game is hard for me so let's begin with easy small tasks that will enable me to take bigger ones and at the same time to acquire the experience. That plan really worked but I have was trapped. by the time achieving small missions became of no importance to me and I don't expect them to increase my score. Moreover, I became old for this phase, I can no longer see the people who were in the same phase they went farther and new ones began to join. so it's enough for me. I mistakenly thought that being in the same phase and do more missions will give me the enough score that enables me to go to the second level. But I am really bored and may be it's not going to work this way. The only way out is to try new ways within this level and take risks .. I tried what I liked so why don't I try what I didn't like… . I can't have it ALL.
Bigger missions require time, effort, and something that you like the most to be given up. That's the key rule.

Patience

2006-05-11T03:39:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago, a neighbor that we used to live in our building passed away, she was a very kind lady, we were not friends with her kids but she used to have this motherly attitude towards all the kids. and all the other neighbors used to love her as well (god bless her soul).
She gave my mother a small cactus plant. Since then my mother takes care of it. But the strange thing is, this plant didn’t grow, I know that cactus takes time to grow but it hasn’t changed a bit. still small and is not noticeable compared to the basil that my mom is planting in the balcony. The contrast is high… basil with the beautiful smell, wonderful texture to touch, beautiful green color and this small cactus that looks rough, hurts if touched and has this fading green color. I used to have the feeling that it’s not alive although it didn’t look as it’s dying.
Anyways, my mom never gave up on ever taking care of it. And I discovered that she really loves it… why not, we normally don’t love things because of its beauty or perfection, it’s the meaning or the feeling that we have. Love has a mechanism if I can say that, it’s the object’s significance to us that is absorbed by the heart and reflected back again to the object.
What made me discover that my mom loves this plant is: yesterday when I returned home from work. I found her telling me with a real pleasure that there were small leaves developed from the cactus, I went and had a look and it was true … it’s finally growing. I was happy too …more of the lesson that I have learned.
She loved the plant, just the way it was. She didn’t get bored of taking good care of it while she knew if won’t change. Waiting for ten years didn’t affect or minimize the happiness she felt when it grew. And finally, she wasn’t happy because it will turn to a better plant that decorates the balcony, it was a sign that the plant is alive and isn’t dying.

Discard

2006-05-06T04:27:00.000-07:00

I am not being reasonable. After all blogging has nothing to do with anything.
May be I just wanted to feel I am in control ? . Anyways it wasn't the right thing to do.

Great Expectations

2006-05-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

The wonderful novel by Charles Dickens, and one of my favorites, although I never knew who exactly had these expectations. In the novel, it has mentioned that Pip had great expectations; in my opinion they all had their expectations. But yes may be the greatest expectations belonged to Pip. The reason was that his expectation was to be up to Estella's expectations. So in comparison he had the greatest expectations.
Some people including myself fell in the trap of trying and working to be up to someone else's expectations, some other people exert great effort to be up to everyone's expectations. but usually it ends up in disappointment.
So is it something that can be practiced? I wonder if I have zero expectations how life would look like. Well, it has its pros and cons, but there will surely be a lot of surprises.
Oddly enough we normally don't know what do others expect. And they don't know what are our expectations too… so we are all left with some possibilities and assumptions. And the ones who care will always torture themselves that may be what they did wasn't enough.
There is only one way to know anyways, try !. I am beginning to think, the more positive way is to work not expect. I am not comfortable at my current job so I would better look for another, I don't want to expect someone's call turn the phone off. I am becoming less patient, but may be I need to be less patient, I have waited long enough and why don't I be more impulsive… don't really know.

Clarification

2006-05-05T03:52:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,
When I first started blogging more than a year ago, I so wanted to be me, say what I want to say, open up and express myself. I didn't fear judgment or any opposing opinion or even mockery.
I remained for a considerable while anonymous although I didn't hide anything not even my name. On the contrary I used to write my full name J
For a reason I didn't expect anyone to read and for me the comment feature was just part of the template till I started getting comments form Norm and Mr. Ben Zab. They showed me that they read and respect what I write which was so encouraging, I really appreciated that.
The first posts that I was talking to myself, I was under the impression that I was a person who talks to herself in the street that if someone will pass by will never pay attention. But instead I started to see some people around me just to listen to what I am saying.
Started to have comments from all of you wonderful friends. Started to notice the name of my blog in your sidebars. Started to visit your blogs and exchange my views with you.
For more than a year I have NEVER EVER received any abusive or offensive comment from anyone. They were all very supportive and considerate and I am really grateful and thankful for all of you. I became addicted to your blogs as well and felt closer to you.
But I am afraid to be addicted to your comments as well and I don't want to burden you with my anxiously to have a response.
What I would like to do is to deactivate the comments, but still I will be very happy to receive your feedback through emails if you felt like it.
My friends, please don't get me wrong, your comments meant so much to me. but I decided to decrease my expectations about nearly everything to zero level. (will write a post about it later to explain).
I will add your blogs url to my sidebar to let you see how I am crazy about your blogs and the number of times I visit them. And of course will keep commenting.
So dear all keep reading please and keep feeding me back if you would like, I am very lucky to be heard by you.

Things going on (Update)

2006-04-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

I am becoming my father, since he used to be the one complaining and asking about the daylight saving. That's what I do this times, the day is messed up and I just can't adjust. Today I was in the office and I found it 12:15pm. So I went and prayed. I usually pray in the conference room so when I got out… I found H and R asking me what was I praying… then I realized still one hour to go.
Due to the holidays we had these past days .. I can no longer tell what day is it. for instance tomorrow is the Labor's day and we are off. So I am feeling that today is Thursday. In the old movies they used to assess sanity … in a way that they ask what day of the week is today? , so if I was to be judged in that sense I would have been declared crazy :)
I had this urging need to talk to a friend yesterday, and there was absolutely nobody. One of these friends was probably upset, don't know why… won't ask. Even my sister had to attend an event in Zamalek and wasn't there. So I went out with my mother and since we have already talked about nearly everything (we are very close) … the main issues were the weather and traffic.
I have had it from "Paradise Now" I want to see the movie. Will go see it and won't be waiting for anybody.
A strange guy is bugging me calling me on my cell phone and insisting that I am Mye his colleague … I am not answering anymore, hope he gets bored. In return I am missing a lot of calls since my phone is on the silent mode.
S and her personal requests are unbelievable. I am even trying to respond in a way that is not rude but at the same time not friendly so she can get the message that it's not my job but she doesn't seem to care. Last Thursday I responded to one of these requests via a formal email and I sent it with high performance (that was me trying to be sarcastic about her trivial request). So she read the email and asked me to come over to her office to explain it (She got me :) ).
T is leaving the company, I was glad to be invited to the farewell party although I am not going. Whenever anyone leaves the company I just begin to worry that it's either my turn to move or otherwise the world will move around me.

I wasn't able to watch the movie despite my efforts :) , we went yesterday to Stars complex and among the six or seven movies there, Paradise now was to be screened at 9 pm or midnight. how annoying :). So we watched "Firewall".

Favorite Things (updated 3 times till now :)

2006-04-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

Just felt I want to think about what I enjoy and I am sure there are still a lot of things that I can consider favorite, but here is what is on the top of my mind in a random order .

Nature
Reading: Qoran and interesting books
Shopping
Family gatherings
Cooking; special attention to the decoration and colors.
Photography and photo editing
Talking and listening; not always
I like everything very clean, neat and organized.
I like the words : sincere, dear, tenderness, faith, honesty.
Watching movies; watching now "you've got mail" it's beautiful, I also love it's music.
Listening to soft music, favorite instruments: piano and violin in a background.
El Eid prayer; amazing timing and beautiful scene.
Spending time with friends
Walking; specially in the evening or night
Hanging out in open air
Being up all night talking with my friends or family.
Waking up late ; 10 or 11 am
Shampoos, shower jell, detergents, sanitizers and every cleaning aid existing.
Scented candles
Boats, car rides when I am not driving.
Wedding celebrations, I like to see everybody happy.
I would like to have a day wedding myself, with very small number of guest.
Computers and Internet.
I like to be liked … loved and be told.
Fall and Winter.
Making someone's day; don’t think I have ever done that… just wish to know how.
Buying presents and arranging surprise parties.
Playing with children the way my dad used to play with us; painting and colors.
Feeling and knowing that I am right.
Recalling good memories.
Thinking of tomorrow as a brand new day and a beginning.
Sit in the balcony watching the sun set and sky's colors.
Eating healthy food with some exceptions, also, coffee, apples (my own way when cooked with cinnamon), cantaloupe and nuts.
Not to let anyone down.

Favorite (best) gift: flowers
Bikes; although I have never been able to safely ride it without accidents.
I like to feel secure.
Like the very normal lifestyle and simplicity; not into extravagance and fancy stuff.
Inviting people over.
I would like to travel to many countries.

People to show the best they are and offer the best they can be with no regrets

The smell of freshly baked home cookies.
SMSs and emails.

Mourning - Please pray for the victims

2006-04-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

Egypt blasts
I can never express how sad and Scared I am , I can't even cry… I don't want to touch my phone, I don't know who was there, It's an Egyptian holidays and most of the Egyptians are in Sharm, Hurgada, or sadly Dahab. We were supposed to be in Ras Mohamed but we cancelled. Why are they doing that ???. I can't watch the news.
I felt it after they announced there was a plan to blow up the gas pipes along the ring road, I pass by the ring road everyday in my way home, I was terrified but it just happened elsewhere.
Less than a year, there was Sharm's misery and now Dahab.
Don't know what to say ..

"إنا لله و إنا إليه راجعون"

Update: the panic is over, so please make do3aa for the victims and pray Salat El 3'a2eb.

Whatever we are waiting for … will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it

2006-04-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

Looking back … there were a lot of things that happened when I really didn't expect.
I had them not exactly as objectives but as steps that I was planning to take, started going through some obstacles, tried to hold on … started to think it's not going to happen, thinking od alternative even if I don't like them but trying to surrender to the easy and available, realize how important my original plan was, feel its importance try again and pray … then BINGO, mission achieved :)
College, work, working at a Multinational, …working at the Marketing department.
I understand that there are way bigger and more important achievements. But the concept is the same. Anything happens if you really want it!
If it works with smaller dreams, it will with bigger ones.
The idea of living a fairy tale isn't realistic for one reason. We make it unrealistic …not because dreams don't come true. Or what we want is hard to be realized but because we don't believe it can happen, why don’t we try… and even when trying, yes there will be hardships and we will give things up but this is life … everyone has a share, being willing to take more of something will result in a shortage in another, we can't have it all.
So patience is required and keep visualizing how it means if we can make it.
I had a colleague who was so frustrated at work, he felt he is stuck and will never move from his place. All of a sudden he found an opening and he applied for it and got accepted. The offer was much better in terms of position, money and privileges.
I went to congratulate him, and to my surprise I thought I was happier than he is. I asked why you aren't happy. He said "I am afraid"… , I couldn't help asking "of what" , his answer was really strange, I will go and have the medical check up tomorrow what if I have virus C. it doesn't have any symptoms…. I told him you know what, it is not what you are afraid of . you are afraid to be happy and live the moment. He said yes I am afraid to be happy, and I can't help it. I am anticipating that something will go wrong so that when it does it won't be hard. So I went like ,,, let's assume that something will go wrong, how long will it last ? definitely not forever, so if you will have a problem that will last a month and before it happens you are worried and don't stop thinking about how bad can it be, you are just increasing the duration, so you will be feeling bad for two months instead of one… he laughed and said "Qadar Allah wa ma sha2 fa3al". what a relief ! ,if only we can have it in our minds all the time.
Another thing is that when you get what you want, the problems and hinders won't stop. In reality, life goes on. We won't be seeing "The End" written when the best part is realized. There is no guarantee that will live happily ever after but they sure will live and that's a bless.
Allah is capable of doing anything, bearing in mind that everything is under the control of god, how can't we expect to get what we want as long as it is good.

Yesterday's Blogger's Gathering

2006-04-19T01:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was really hectic at work. I was trying my best to leave on time as I was going to meet Rain, Moon and Nerro. That really gave me a push.
Then came the best part of the day. By the time I arrived at the Café the girls were there.
I was so happy to finally meet them in person. they are just like their blogs; Rain is calm, mature and sweet and Moon is active, amusing and has a lovely personality.
I personally didn’t feel that I am meeting them for the first time, we talked about a lot of things and we laughed. The blogs were one of the main subjects and bloggers as well ;).
Hope we can make it again isA.
Many thanks girls.

Spontaneity, Manners and what they call “Social Grace”

2006-04-17T05:05:00.000-07:00

I am a messy, sometimes clumsy person myself. but I always do my best to be no trouble for anyone. So I might drop my silverware in a formal dinner, take time to recognize the fish fork … spill something from my plate on the table cloth or me although I try very hard to place the napkin on my lap so I won’t ruin my outfit. But what I drop always finds a way to land on my skirt or pants. So I do irritate myself not anybody else.
But what surprises me based on previous incidents are :
- When someone approaches so much to talk to me: come on people give me a space. And no it’s not ok if it’s a woman.
- When we are having lunch or dinner with a variety of people and all of a sudden someone begins to smoke without even asking. Usually I don’t continue eating and of course I don’t say the real reason when I am asked, I just say “I’m full”.
- Shared plates (salads, appetizers, etc …), are sometimes disastrous; people pick things from the plate using their hands !. Other cases, they use their own fork, the one they are eating with. Some people do that while they know it’s unacceptable and try to cover it by saying lame statements like “ oh yummy” ! or “ God I love it, can’t wait” or “I just can’t stop eating” .
- When someone try to reach for something and leans over the table as if there is a starvation and it’s the only plate in the whole world, sacrificing people whom he might be leaning on, or his tie that is dipped in someone else’s soup.
- There are another kind who loves you to try the food first and stare at you, trying to comprehend from the facial expressions if the food is tasty or not. And sometimes ask if they can try it from your plate before ordering it !.
- Picky eaters : few of my friends are; they really torture the waiters … asking for the impossible and finally nothing is good enough. Some of them are the “extras freaks” (they like extra everything) or the “without freaks” , I do belong to the “without freaks” kind. except that I forget to tell the waiter, and always become surprised by onions or garlic but because of the hard time I know the waiter had. I decide to just eat. I ear onions and garlic but not in public places, I don’t order plates with strong smells.
- Dinning tables are no place to discuss digestion problems. There is another cozy place that everyone can think ALONE about these problems. And if the problem persists he can go to a doctor.
- Last thing, a quiet peaceful or even silent dinner is so much appreciated. Let’s view it like that: talking is the complete opposite of eating (especially big chunks). So there is always a compromise , or you can always alternate a piece of food … then a sentence. It’s not too hard.

Finally that doesn’t happen a lot by the way, but it always happens when it’s not expected.

Dilemma

2006-04-14T05:27:00.000-07:00

Based on an incident that happened last week too, that made me totally uncomfortable. Here is what I think:
Although I don't like to admit it but I am shy and I am doing my best to hide it especially at work not to be comprehended as lack of communication skills.
But eventually it shows. but in another form… as indifference or as if I don't care ….because of my deadly attempts to conceal it
When I start feeling that people are getting this impression, I tend to offer more attention to make it up and maintain a balance so they begin to feel as if I am treating them in a special way. So what are the choices … the fake balance is impossible.
I don't want to seem weird but the other signals don't stop popping up. The good news is I never behave or say anything inappropriate or irrelevant that may embarrass me but I do something that may be worse… shuuuuuuuuuuuush !, yes that's what I do and yes I know … how rude. The only exception is when criticized … I speak up other than that, nothing.
So when someone does me a real big favor, I say thanks and stuff but I don't say enough. When I should reply to a compliment, I just change the subject. When I am mad at someone … I don't say a word.
I have posted before a post called "words unspoken" and I am still struggling to bring them up to the surface.

Fading Conversations

2006-04-14T05:18:00.000-07:00

The best thing that happened last week was that Monday was a Holiday (Prophet's birthday) and I didn't go to work.
I had pretty busy days after this holiday, but apart from that there was a little time for little chats with friends at work although they were gradually diminishing as a result of the work load we had.
So Tuesday, (A) was back from Dubai, we tried to free ourselves and go to her office to check on her. There were the four of us and the ten minutes we were planning to spend were escalated to thirty. We chatted and laughed and talked about everything .. it was a very personal, girly conversation but it was so much fun.
Wednesday, there were only three of us went to (S)'s office and it was a hectic day. I started talking, (E) said .. please don't talk about work, talk about anything else. Then (S) said that her knees hurt as if she's a 100, I realized that I have a headache too that I have to disregard to continue working. so I asked her not to talk about it. so we didn't find anything to talk about and we went back to our offices.
Thursday, we didn't meet … we saw each other and said hi and how are you and that was it. I wanted to ask them if they would like to go to the movies or go out but based on the fading conversations we had, thought they might not be interested.
Wanted to ask my other friends but based on the fact that I don't take any initiatives … I didn't.
Hope we can recharge ourselves in the weekend so we can carry on.

If it means anything to anybody

2006-04-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

One of the things that I have learned, is not to always do what you want, sometimes you have to do what others want if that makes them happy. My aunt taught me that and I am very grateful.
A question suddenly arose; what if I didn't realize how much my action would mean to that particular person. Gave it some thinking and the answer … I have nothing to loose, after all making someone happy is so much worth it.
I myself can be very happy with a very little effort.
I am invited to a dinner tomorrow isA and I really don't want to go. Politics wise, I have to be there. But I am not that kind anyways so why the heck.
The whole department is going and they think I am going to. Can't say now I am not gonna. because there will be a lot of : WHYs and you have to and things like that.
I decided to leave it to the last minute and then excuse myself.
I am not sure if that's right. But if I referred it back to the rule … that I would get out of my comfort zone and be willing to walk an extra mile if it means something to another person other than me. in other words, it's Wednesday I would like much more to go out with my friends and give myself a break from the work and business conversations.
To be honest, I don't think it does mean anything to go to that dinner, so case closed … I am not going.

Alice In Wonderland

2006-04-10T04:34:00.000-07:00

I think I don't know myself well, I also noticed that people tend to analyze and think about the actions and reactions of others and forget themselves.
Sometimes I get surprises with what I do … thank god that doesn't happen a lot.
But it's good to sit every once in a while with oneself and have a thorough review of what went on.
From the tags that we have been passing to each other, it grabbed my attention that not a lot of people dream as much as I do. It's not a big deal I know. But, seriously I dream a lot. 2,3,4 times a night … different dreams, good ones and bad ones.
It also happens that I wake up and realize, I still have 10 or 15 minutes till it's 7:30 and decide to sleep again and guess what… I dream.
Apart from that, I always visualize things … as if there are no words for me, the conversation transforms itself automatically to pictures and most of the time they are imaginary ones. If I am invited to a party or dinner for instance in a place that I have never been to. I think about it with some kind of visualizing how it's gonna be based on similar places that I have been too, things I heard about or just a perception.
And of course most of the times things turn out to be completely different.
Another aspect is the past experiences, that is the most painful thing because they are real. People with photographic memories will feel what I am talking about.
I myself don't be at any ease when I see old pictures. I just remember things that I am comfortable with the fact that they are not on the top of my mind. So bringing them to the surface saddens me especially the good memories or the people who no longer exist for any reason.
I have some photos that were taken in my final year in college. I don't really have the courage to look at them. I haven't seen anyone of whom I thought were friends in years and I don't know if I will be seeing them again. The distances get farther as the years pass.
Not only the people, the whole phase meant a lot to me at college, the place itself although it wasn't the best but I loved it, the windows, the stairs, where we used to sit, where we used to eat.
So imagine how it feels to be carrying these albums in my head whenever I go. With the slightest thing to trigger the wonderful visions that I am haunted with. Anyhow, It's a luxury to be haunted with good memories that I am longing to rather than having bad ones that other people have and want to get away from. I have to admit that.
I am a nostalgic person, that's for sure and may be that what made me realize that whole subject, it gives people the impression that my life is empty that I am always living in the past but it's not right. I believe in some years I will be referring to this phase and say "those were the days" :)

Tagged by Ahmad

2006-04-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

Thanks Ahmad so much for tagging me and here are my answers:

1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4.
"because she considers me imotionally immature, and " The Zahir.

2.Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
ok I yawned.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Frasier, as the TV is on but I am not really paying attention.

4.Without looking, guess what time it is?
5:00 PM

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
5:07 PM

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
My Mom and sister talking.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Today I had to run some errands and yesterday went shopping.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
TV.

9. What are you wearing?
Training suit.

10. Did you dream last night?
Had a strange dream last night, still remember it.

11. When did you last laugh?
An hour ago.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Cooper plates, wall clock.

13. Seen anything weird lately?
Not weird but really breathtaking : The Solar Eclipse.

14. What do you think of this quiz?
Interesting.

15. What is the last film you saw?
On TV: Lord of the rings, Movie theatre : Memoirs of a Geisha.

16. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A house on the coast, a new car for everyone of us, a land to build a mosque, a yacht and a huge book store to run.

17. Tell me something about you that I dunno.
My shoes size is 35 (Europe).

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I want it to be greener.

19. Do you like to dance?
Yes

20. George Bush.
No comment.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Nour.

22.Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Mohamed

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
I like trvelling but I guess I can't live abroad.

24.What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
Enter My Paradise. (Cheated it from Ahmad)

25. 4 people who must also do this meme in their journal.
Nerro, Rain, Moon, New Kid.

Message in a bottle

2006-04-05T04:16:00.000-07:00

I have been reading again about the messages in the bottles that were found and the history of this practise.
The majority are sad stories. Most of them were sent by people who really needed to be rescued and they were calling for help.
So what came in my mind … Were they that desperate as they were drowning and tried to send this SOS or They had this hope inside them and faith that made them do that ???

"Just a castaway, an island lost at sea,
Another lonely day, with no one here but me,
More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair,

ohI'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle,

A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life
but Love can break your heart

Walked out this morning,
don't believe what I saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone in being alone
Hundred billion castaways,
looking for a home"

Message in a bottle lyrics

Can’t Decide !

2006-04-03T07:58:00.000-07:00

I have to return to the HR tomorrow isA with my decision. I am totally lost, I sat today with (S) and we talked. I was very honest and told her that I am willing to help but I don’t like to do someone else’s job. The conversation was very straight forward from both sides and even blunt. She knew that I have been offered to move with (O) and she said apart from everything, you have the experience and the new boss here will be needing you more plus you will be able to set your rules.
On the other hand working with (O) is not easy but I already know him and he knows me. so there wont be any surprises and I won’t be trying to prove to him or the rest of the team that I am good or anything, this phase has passed.
The thing is I am looking for a career change but I can’t leave the company till I am settled in the other field that I would like to explore, so meanwhile I will still be here with the two options (Marketing or Sales Development?).
Each one of the two options has its pros and cons for me and there is a tie that I would like to break…

I Enjoyed ...

2006-03-28T05:38:00.000-08:00

"It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary" from the Alchemist.

Since last Thursday I was so bored then began to realize that I am much more calm and relaxed, and I decided to look at the bright side and write about what I enjoyed when I was obliged to stay at home doing nothing at all … there were some negative things as well but I want to keep my eye on the positive aspects.
So here it is , I enjoyed:
1- Reading (I read the Alchemist and it's fascinating)
2- Watching TV. ( I keep on flipping the channels till I can find anything bearable and I just watch it without complaining).
3- Sitting with my mom and granny and having nice and funny conversations.
4- Getting the calls of my friends who are calling me every day to check on me, as I am not ready yet for the visits.
5- The rain, as it rained yesterday and today as well and it made me feel as if it's still winter (I LOVE WINTER).
6- Sitting in the living room with the window opened so that I can see the sky till the sun sets (it's a little bit gray today but it doesn't matter, still enjoyable).
7- Turning my cellular phone off till 5:30to avoid any business calls. As my close friends call me on the land line or after six.
8- Today I was able to perform the prayers without having to sit.
9- Waking up any time I want (that's a real good one).
10- Having the chance to think about whether to move or not from my department as the alternative is not very encouraging.

Zero Risk !

2006-03-26T04:42:00.000-08:00

I have been home since Thursday, as I woke up at 4AM with a severe pain in my foot. My mom got up to pray and I called for her and told her that there is something wrong with my foot. I tried to walk and I couldn't. I remained on pain killers taking a tablet every four hours, still my stomach couldn't take it any more.
We called the doctor and he wasn't in Cairo, he gave me an antibiotic and a stronger pain killer and an anti-inflammatory till he sees me on Friday.
I went on Friday and it turned out I have an infection in the tissues of my foot in two parts of the foot one of them is serious and it's causing the swell , temperature and requires an antibiotic. And he ordered me to rest and avoid the pressure for a week.
I sent H (Dept. Admin Assistant) an SMS telling her that I won't be able to walk for a week and will send her a scanned copy of my medical report so she can send it to the HR to let them be informed that it's not an absence. And to inform O and S as well.
What did I get : first I have to clarify that the sms I sent started with "good morning" and a lot of "Please" and "Thanks". She replied "send me your passwords" yes that was the reply !. she didn't even mention why.
Then a friend of mine from work called me and told me that she told O and he made a strange face as if he doesn't believe !
Then … she told me that H called her and asked if I am really sick !.
Finally she told me that O sent her an email with a presentation and some charts telling her "ask Nesreen to develop the same for the other brands". !
I am really mad and surprised, why did they assume I am lying, I am not a liar and they know that quite well. Or are they insensitive to that extent.
I don't need to prove it to them although the medical report is enough.
Anyways, thank god for everything … if they think that way I believe that shows who they are not who I am.
I don't know why would anyone think that way, If I have any doubt about anything that can hurt someone's feelings or add up to his/her problems I would personally go for zero risk and keep the good faith.

Don't judge ..THINK!

2006-03-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

This post is so greatly influenced by Doshar posts.

I was so moved by reading the part that "Muslims will never try to cheat…" . it's the need to hear a positive yet a factual thing about Muslims, through the hurricane of criticism and misjudgment mixed with ignorance that we have been suffering from.

We are not the only ones, seems that there has been a new trend that I haven't personally heard of till its consequences are witnessed. That every person has to have someone or let's say a group depends on who represents them to hate, despise and revolt, So the discrimination depends on nationality, religion or race and it is getting outrageous.

People will be judged by god INDIVIDUALLY. Each and every person will be responsible for his/her own action. And there is no disparity between people based on their look, language or color. What should we learn anything from that ???

I shouldn't be walking with this feeling of guilt or shame that a Muslim or an Arab has drifted and encountered a misdeed. Who did that was a weak or a corrupted HUMAN BEING. It should be viewed that way.

People no longer think, and don't even tend to act, they are rather on the reactive side, and because of this lame state they have so much energy that their reaction is seldom fueled with that can overflow and cause even more vigorous and violent mess, yes MESS… that's what they cause and destruction most of the time.

Not to mention the popular game of mixing cards, that when they put a ruthless sick criminal with an honest person who fights for his rights or freedom under one category…. That's not acceptable !

What I felt was as if I was imprisoned and kept saying "I am innocent, Muslims are truthful and honest, Muslims are not murderers and not terrorists, Muslims are peaceful, compassionate and respect other's religions and beliefs… " and no body seems to be hearing anything and I lost hope that they can get to know who we really are and then … something sparkled all of a sudden without being expected "Muslims will never try to cheat…".

So if you are questioning "Do we really care" yes we DO care, it's not just an image that we have to keep, it's much bigger and deeper and it's actually used against us.
Who would save a man if he was falsely convicted of being a ruthless killer or a terrorist while he is not. And, moreover we don't have the creditability to defend him.
It’s just one reason but the list is too long.

Is it spring or what :)

2006-03-16T05:22:00.000-08:00

http://www.usefilm.com/photographer.asp?ID=91354

Alone in the garden, just like this bird in the pond

2006-03-16T02:27:00.000-08:00

Seemed to me that I had to go for something I love and get a little indulged to regain the balance that has recently trembled because of the new "Have to do" list.

Yesterday I was very keen to finalize all the outstanding tasks and reports. So I can have today off. Had the camera with me and I managed to get done with my work at 5 sharp to leave the office to somewhere … I wasn't sure where to.
I wasn't ready for long distance driving and I was looking for somewhere peaceful that I can enjoy. Thought of two places; the first one was a garden I know, it's not a park and some people don't even notice as it's surrounded by small bushes and trees but I couldn't help noticing the amazing old trees.
The other place was a big horse stable that I have never been too … but since I have this admiration for horses and how noble they are … wanted to have some photos of them.
Finally went for the first option, I took my camera and began to hunt for a capture. There were some people looking at me very curiously that made me uncomfortable at first then I forgot about them.
Kept on walking around the garden to find where the fence ends, till I found a way.
I entered there and that was it… I was in a whole other world, I forgot about the people, how I look in high heals and yet inside a garden with a camera, the damp grass that can be slippery.
Was a little afraid first as I could hear the sound of frogs, but the flowers were so beautiful and one time I approached and was adjusting my camera mode then I heard another sound of something moving very close that I don't know till now what was it, I got scared and left the spot I was in. I also wanted to shoot the bird that is here in the picture and I couldn't get any nearer so it can notice and fly, I stood there without moving at all and zoomed in. it's not an artistic one but I loved it.
I don't know exactly how long I stayed in the garden, totally lost track of time, under the spell of nature and colors.
Came home with lots of pictures, downloaded them and I noticed that the ones I took when I first arrived were all out of focus, seems I was still uncomfortable and afraid that my hands were not steady. Then things went better.
Spent the rest of the evening reviewing and editing the pictures, still have this feeling that I am all alone in this garden, with the birds, flowers, ponds … it was like a dream.
I then uploaded one of the pictures on Usefilm and I got positive critique, it has been some while since I have uploaded anything on the site and I be this eager to know how the other photographers think and seek feedback.
Thank god I am so much better.

Need a push!

2006-03-13T01:33:00.000-08:00

What has come into me, I became so lazy these days… it’s not that I am frustrated or anything on the contrary, I have the motivation and yet I am not moving.

May be I need a push, not sure which kind of a push do I need but I can’t get myself to do anything for me… things mean a lot when it’s done for another person other than myself, that’s a push for me.

Last Saturday, I went shopping with my mother because she wanted to and was bored so I took her, we had a nice time and guess what I bought myself some stuff too so
apparently I needed it but didn’t realize it.

Went yesterday for lunch with some friends at work (not from my dept.) I enjoyed it but I was silent all the time, that’s strange …. I am a talkative person. I was really happy the weather was beautiful yesterday and I enjoyed the food and the coffee.

A similar incident happened with a friend of mine, I knew she had something to tell me and I didn’t answer the phone, I felt guilty after that as I wasn’t there when she needed me, the best I could do is I sent her sms and telling her to log on and we talked on the msn.

I am more patient now than I used to be, learned some of the rules of the waiting game. I like to try new things but I don’t like to be on my own so whenever I feel I am, I just lose interest and a voice comes from within myself saying “Abort…” .

I don’t like this state, and I didn’t want it to be noticeable, but seems it is… the office boy came to me just few minutes ago and asked “do u need anything”, I said “I guess u r busy, I would like some tea with milk when you can” . he made it in no time and came back asking if I am ok. They think I am upset because O has moved, may be I am… may be it was the push I needed to move it and do something for myself other than sitting still waiting and day dreaming. Don’t think so …

Stop using me ...

2006-03-09T05:41:00.000-08:00

Still two hours to go but I am so desperately need this working day to end and I go home.
Yesterday was hectic too and the only way out is to run away …
I don’t want to answer the phone because it will be another request to be added to my to do list and watch it getting bigger and bigger and see the papers, reports and other printed materials cluttering in front of me that I feel I look like the cartoon character of a that miserable employee that is almost invisible because of the stuff on his desk.
What made things worse is that S came to me this morning and began with … Nesrina, you know you are expert in “Nite” - it’s a software. And I need you to do the following, there was no room for me to say “I am busy or have other things that I am doing” as she continued, it’s required for the region and extremely import and by the way we need them ASAP and I trust no one but you to do these reports. The thing is I discovered that they have nothing to do with “Nite” she only gave me her work to do… :I
If she needs help, why didn’t she address it in that way, that I don’t feel I am obliged to do the work of someone else and I have no one to turn too as my boss has moved.
Yesterday a very similar situation happened with the GM… he asked about the market shares for our company vs the competition from 2000 till YTD. And of course he didn’t give me the chance to say a word. … come on he’s the GM… I have to leave everything and start with what just has popped in his mind. Luckily I had the data from 1998, I just had to search for the file and update the data.
I don’t like it when I feel that someone is using his authority to make me miserable by asking for things that would delay me.
Why are all their requests urgent and have to be done on the spot. you management team know nothing about time management and we do pay for that, it really makes me laugh when I say I need enough time to get the stuff done properly and they give me that "manage your time and prioritize your tasks".
It' Thursday, I don't want to be late.. .yes I don't have plans as I am tired and I will be a bad sleepy company but I need to go home.
Now back to work!

I am Tagged!

2006-03-06T01:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Nermeena,

For the first time I write a name next to Dear ... and it's also the first time I am being tagged, thanks sweetie... and here are my answers:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Live in peace, with the people that I love and be loved by them.

What is your greatest fear?
Hell

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I can say she is a role model, Fatima the daughter of prophet Mohammed (SAAW) and the wife of Aly Ibn Aby Taleb. Above all her qualities … for the kind of supporting and loving wife she has been and a daughter she was.

Which living person do you most admire?
My mother

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Stubbornness

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Selfishness

What is your greatest extravagance?
Shopping for clothes.

On what occasion do you lie?
When I try not to hurt someone’s feelings

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
Nothing thank god, I just wish I had green eyes or hazel eyes :)

Which living person do you most despise?
Those who kill Iraqi’s and Palestinians.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
When talking to my dad… 7abiby, my mom: Merci because she is always doing things for us. at work: perfect and hayel.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Shyness

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
That I am being loved by my family and friends

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be ?
No one, for me life is so tough to be lived twice.

Who are your favorite writers?
Jane Austin

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
The knights we used to read about or see in movies; noble, courageous and fights for people.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Loneliness

Where would you like to live?
A quiet place nearby the sea

What is your most marked characteristic?
I am simple, smart and a sarcastic person, I am also an optimistic and I do have a deep appreciation for life and people.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Femininity

What is your greatest regret?
My inability to show my real feelings

What OR Who is the greatest love of your life?
I believe, He hasn’t showed up yet… but someday my prince will come :)

How would you like to die?
Praying or reciting Koran

Thanks again,

It's Groundhog day…

2006-03-04T04:59:00.000-08:00

Dear ...

Two years ago, I had an interview to move to the marketing department, I was asked about my future plans and I said, I don't think I will still be an employee at a company after ten years, I want to teach… but I am gaining experience and see what is like to be here, hoping that it provides me with a background and insights that makes me a good unconventional teacher that makes learning an experience and a life style not just words ad theories kept for some while and dumped totally after the exams.

And now when I wake up everyday as the alarm rings I can almost hear a sound that says "It's Groundhog day" remember that movie … days are the same.

Same people, same attitude, same place, I don't find it any difficult now to predict their reactions or even the conversations as they are repeated ones.

No one has noticed it but this job has been draining, I am not the same, I am de-motivated and I do the tasks because I have to, not because there is any pleasure what so ever in doing them.

There has been another movie that tells a story about a teenage girl who had to work so she pretended to be a grown up and faked her identity. They believed her at a company and hired her and she did a very good job. That's what I have been doing for five years, except for the fraud part J .

I always feel I am playing a role of an efficient, serious and a hard working employee because deep down I knew it's not going to last, I considered myself undercover for some research reasons, or to expose myself to a broader environment so that when I get back to where I belong, I don't feel I missed a thing.

So where do I belong? well … I am responsible but I am very far from being a punctual employee if I was granted the opportunity, BTW I always arrive late at work but just because they view my as a very good employee, they don't really complain. I am moody I like painting, photography, reading and writing, I love music … used to play piano but not any more.

I also love teaching … all these things I find myself in … if I was to re-plan my life I would rather work as a part-time teacher and leave myself the space to enjoy my hobbies and may be utilize them and start a project of my own that fulfils my fascination for creativity, design interacting with people in a humanistic beneficial way.

My sister and I had the dream of having a book store that offers value as well as quality service to people … make them love and appreciate reading and learning.

I am just a disciplined person who doesn't permit herself to fail. And for that I missed all these learning experienced that I could have leaned from failing and screwing up, not to mention the pressure to keep things steady or the fear of letting go of the daily stable routine and go and give my dreams a shot.

Hope one day I wake up to find a brand new day.

Your,

Colors!

2006-03-03T13:03:00.000-08:00

Dear ...

Grab a color pallet and a sheet of paper and learn about the colors … learn about life.

There is no absolute RED, BLACK, BLUE or WHITE … there are tones, degrees, mixtures or nuance.

There are degrees for every feeling and thought we came across, and the distinction is not always that significant.

Competition for instance; provides a kind of a motivational power that can push and drive. but watch out … when concentrated or you get carried away with, a new shade starts to come over the original color, and results in a whole new color….JEALOUSY. And the nature of the moving power you used to enjoy turns to be a negative one that holds or destructs.

Love is another example; in itself … it is a very balanced mixture of colors, any dilution or concentration, affects the formula and jeopardize the existence of the one pure color it used to be.

The magic of it ideally comes from the way the fusion of the colors occur, with certain tones and shades that unify and form a whole new solid color.

The intensity of the feelings resembles the gradation of the colors, we need every now and then to step back, pour all the colors on a white sheet and see which colors have faded, which ones we need to reinforce or mitigate. Feel their temperature and alter the necessary adjustments.

I had always this passion for the colors and if I can see and assign a color for a lot of intangibles. so it's like there is a color code for everything ,,, examples:

Love and Happiness are white
Haltered is Black
Dreams have a light blue base color, and the real one differs according to the dream nature.
Fantasies are pink
Hope and peace are green (they have the same color… may be because peace has always been a hope).
Jealousy is yellow (I know very conventional).
Fury and excitement are red. (may be because of their intensity).
Sadness is dark blue.
Anxiety is orange.

There is a quote I used to love about artists that I do value a lot and I consider painting as a privilege in that sense …

"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures".

Yours,

I let me down

2006-03-01T07:58:00.000-08:00

Dear,

As always I left the car registration renewal task till the very last minute and since I couldn’t take today off, my mother went to have it done for me. So I have a mixed feelings of guilt and gratefulness I feel towards her I have another problem.

My work is located in a remote area and all the employees have their rides.
I am not mean but I am really mad and that’s why I will going to say that; for a long time I used to drive my friend and colleague S to her home EVERYDAY till she got her car.

And even there is a new girl that I discovered by coincidence that she resides near by doesn’t have a car so I drive her too, and I call her everyday to ask if she’s ready to leave or shall I wait.

N once saw me doing that and asked “ do you drive her everyday?” with great astonished and I went like “yeah, she doesn’t have a car “. She replied back “ frankly speaking, I can’t do that…. Sometimes I am just not in a mood to talk and I like to drive alone without saying a word”.

I didn’t like what she said because she didn’t think about the other girl, what she is going to do, didn’t realize that the weather is cold and she can’t walk all the way till she finds a cab.

I won’t be judgmental and call it selfishness, but didn’t it just crossed her mind what the other girl would feel.

Today, I am facing this situation, it has passed 5:30 and I am still in the office.
S is too busy and has been weird since this morning, as she thinks I am going to take her place, weird thinking as if she doesn’t know me AT ALL. and N, I know her opinion about the whole thing.
I am feeling so bad and I just can’t go and ask anyone else, everybody asks for things … what am I afraid of, it can’t get any worse and yet I am still here writing about it.

The thing I hate the most is to let anyone down and what pops in my mind if I am being asked for anything is the fear I might not be able to be of help.
But how ironic, I let me down with this lame shyness and pride.

Your,

Conversation!

2006-02-26T12:15:00.000-08:00

Dear,

Haven't you ever felt during a conversation that you don't want it to end or wondered if you could stop the time for a while so you can keep talking/listening to the person you are having this interesting conversation with? And what is your definition for "Interesting" anyways?

What is the main reason for this phenomenon if I may call it because of its rarity?

Would it be the person, the subject or you?

In other words, Was the person that charismatic… that you were literally enchanted as he knew what language to use or he was empathetic enough to choose what to say, how to address it in a way you can relate to and therefore a kind of connection began to be established and maintained.

Some say, may be it's the body language or eye contact. but I personally think if sincerity wasn't there no connection can ever be made based on fake rules or ways.

Yes there are Charismatic people; they know how to communicate with people from different backgrounds, social standards and with different characters.

They can convince you of anything and have this ability to make you do things for them with great passion and motivation not as if you are captivated or hypnotized but with great convincement.

Another hypothesis; the subject …. Every one has favorite subject/s that whenever it's mentioned, it alerts all your senses and stimulates you mentally.
Another kind of subjects other than the favorite ones… the provocative ones, smart people sometimes need to be challenged and the provocative/controversial subjects triggers their need to prove how smart or knowledgeable they are, sometimes to the people and other times to themselves, it's like a mind battle.

The last one, YOU … what if you just wanted to have a nice and peaceful conversation with someone you can trust and freely talk to, what if you wanted to be heard, felt and appreciated, what if you were clueless and you wanted to get a mature opinion about something.
Sometimes we are so confused that we want someone to throw all our ideas, thoughts and feelings in front of, and start sorting and reorganizing them over again.

People are of great value and there is a reason for each one of us to be exposed to different situations and experiences. So that if you have the chance to share what you have learned with someone else, have a joint list of the rights and wrongs, it could make a difference to the two of you.

In the end, the answers are so many for the very same questions.

Yours,

Dreams

2006-02-26T06:28:00.000-08:00

Dear,

"For all life is a dream, and dreams themselves are only dreams".

I don’t see a reason for any one to lose hope.

Think about the bad times we went through, sad times, agonizing experiences…. where did they go, they were like nightmares we had one night then we woke up and they are gone!

Or even the good times when we laughed and danced when we felt we were on the top of the world, think about success, wonderful people we met, friends we loved, beautiful places we have been to, delightful memories, did they last?

No, they were like nice dreams we had and then we got up smiling and we kept remembering them.

Think about how we used to look when we were young, now we see the pictures and wonder what hasn’t been impacted and changed by the years.

About the illnesses that we or our families had, they are either healed or we decided to live with them and consider that early healthy stage one of the good dreams we had.

Even those people whom we lost, may be we are gonna meet them again and we will look back at our entire lives and wonder what a dream it has been.

Yours,

Detour

2006-02-23T05:56:00.000-08:00

Dear …

Choosing & deciding … are all about the choices, used to think I am indecisive but after some thinking, no I am not. For if the choices that I had to select from were coming out of me and I had a hard time trying to choose. It would have been my problem but it's not like that.

The routes that I was willing to explore and could see my goals waiting for me somewhere in them always had this sign DETOUR giving me those arrows that I don't know where they are leading to.

So I stood right there trying to choose between the arrows, asking people coming and going around me, some knew where were they heading, some had planned their ways and others didn't know and even didn't care.

They didn't help much. I decided to continue walking and see what can I reach.
Years have gone by and I am still walking, there were some rainy days and some beautiful sunny ones but the feeling that it's still not my way does exist.
There were sometimes I thought I am about to find my way and could feel that I am near then I lost it again.

Nothing bothers me actually other than the time and effort that I consume in the wrong place. Time goes very fast, no one can stop it. Yes because it's unstoppable and most importantly it does really heal everything, and I wished sometimes if I could accelerate it so it takes me away from a certain memory or a person I have lost.

I don't consider myself lost, but I just know this is not my way. I don't feel my home is nearby yet.

Now I am facing another Detour sign and when I was asked, I just said "I didn't think about it" although I did. It was just an excuse to give myself more time to decide.

When the choices don't include the one you are willing to take, they all seem the same!

Yours,

Clutter

2006-02-20T04:04:00.000-08:00

Dear ...

Last Wednesday was an unpleasant day, I went to work and no actual work has been done. Let's go through the day… may be that will give me the clue on what went wrong.

It was the last day for one of my colleagues, we decided to do something special for him, we arranged to get him a cake (actually two) and a nice present.

Then, my boss called for a department meeting, we gathered into the conference room waiting for the news.. it's unusual to have this kind of unscheduled meetings.
He told us that he will be moving to another department… for me it was the worst timing to hear this piece of news, plus the fact that he was a very good boss.

Back to the original farewell party, I volunteered to go and buy the present. We collected money as a department, I asked a friend of his if he has any preferences. He told me a Mont Blanc pen!

Engy came with me to City Stars and chose a nice one (not extra nice because of the budget, call me old fashioned or naïve but I couldn't believe that a pen can cost 28,000 EGP, the one I got was 1300 thank god).

The weather was very weird that day, when we were in the car …we experienced nearly all the seasons' conditions… it was sunny, then windy, it rained then windy again and more rain then sunny!

Went back to the office, the farewell party wasn't warm. We ate and took some pictures together.

The last part of the day was that CD delivery part … that wasn't the first time that I act weird because of a strange feeling that I have no explanation to and don't know where did it come from. I was tensed and uncomfortable, the negative feelings were mutual I must say.

It's very mystifying that you think you know a person and suddenly, you go like… "who are you" and treat him like a total stranger.

To a great extent, I do trust my intuition, and alarming feelings I felt were telling me that there is something wrong.
I went home after that, to wake up the next morning with the preliminary symptoms of FLU.

The weekend was flu, medications, sleeping and quarreling with my mother about the food because I couldn't eat anything.

Tried to go to work yesterday, thought I was better, drove my car with some difficulty, felt I was week… reached the office, they all noticed from my voice (as there hasn't been any…:). Excused myself and headed back home by 1PM.

And here I am , home again, continuing last weekend's schedule: flu, medications, sleeping but no more quarrels, don't have the strength.

Yours,